1
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[♪ 'I'm Fine' by Self Esteem]

2
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♪ I won't rein in my need

3
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♪ To be completely free... ♪

4
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[♪ STOPS]

5
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Thoroughbreds!

6
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Every single one.

7
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Primed for the race.

8
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Every muscle pumped, trained
and ready for the sprint.

9
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Hold it together. Hold back.

10
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Keep the blood
at just the right temperature.

11
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Just below boil.

12
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Waiting at the starting gates, then...

13
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'All rise!'

14
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– Out of the stalls. Hold back.
– [RHYTHM POUNDING, RISING]

15
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Push forward.

16
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Know when to have restraint,
when to find an opening.

17
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Ready to jump
when the prosecution falters.

18
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Poised.
Watching.

19
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Waiting.

20
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Nerves taut,
mind operating on ten tracks at once.

21
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Blood pumping. Muscles tightly wound,
waiting to spring. Waiting.

22
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It's starting to open up, wait. Wait.

23
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Careful. This is a measure
of your skill set, the calm before.

24
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And there it is.

25
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Instinct pushes me forward.
'Your Honour.'

26
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I am on my feet.
Eyes zooming in on me.

27
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'Application granted.'

28
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Yes! Yes!

29
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My client, big guy, looks, er, stunned.

30
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He doesn't quite know that I've won
a point, but he feels the shift, likes it.

31
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My client hates the witness, but for me,
the witness is just the witness.

32
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I sit down.
The prosecution finishes. Then it's time.

33
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The judge looks at me.

34
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'It's your witness, Ms Ensler.'

35
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Yes. The witness is mine!

36
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The witness breathes in. I stand up,
slowly, do up the button on my jacket.

37
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Courtroom silent, charged, waiting for me,
the thrill of this.

38
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Play it cool!

39
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Yeah? Cool!

40
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Voice, measured and confident.
Play it.

41
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Play it, it's yours. You're holding it
in the pa-a-a-a-alm of your hand.

42
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Play with it!
Stretch it out, it's yours.

43
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Cross-examination.
It's the best part. All instinct.

44
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Ask the question.
Repeat the answer, repeat it again.

45
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Watch the witness's face,
let him think I am getting mixed up,

46
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that I'm a bit slow
in understanding what happened.

47
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Flick through some pages,
let him think I have lost my way.

48
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Hear breathing.
A snicker from the prosecution counsel.

49
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Good. Good. Very good.

50
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Again, flick through some pages.

51
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,320
My client shifts uncomfortably
in the dock. Good.

52
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Then I repeat the question,
watch the witness relax.

53
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Shoulders roll back.

54
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'This one doesn't seem to know
what she's doing.'

55
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Judge, expressionless.

56
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But this judge has seen me before,
seen the likes of me.

57
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Question one. Question two.
Look worried about the answers.

58
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This emboldens him.

59
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Watch, yes, here he goes.

60
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Let the witness talk, over talk.
Let him 'clarify'. Good.

61
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'Thanks for that, I wasn't sure...'

62
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See his eyes dismiss me.

63
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'This one must be straight out of uni
or something. She's not that good.'

64
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Oh, ho-ho. This... It relaxes him.
He's got the upper hand.

65
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,080
He is now not careful,
not afraid, no longer vigilant.

66
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He says something inconsistent.

67
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I let him explain it to me.

68
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Nodding. I'm nodding,
while he digs himself in deeper.

69
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,760
'OK,' I say,
'that's a bit clearer now, but...'

70
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He volunteers more information.

71
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I see the prosecutor
put a finger to his own forehead.

72
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He knows and I know, but the guy about
to bury himself, he talks on and on.

73
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I circle, nodding approval.
'Oh, I see, but why did that happen?'

74
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Judge's face, a mask.
But the judge knows.

75
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There is blood in the water,
and I let the witness swim on.

76
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No one can help him.
And he swims right into it.

77
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He leans back,
flash of confidence across his face.

78
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I let him feel his control.
Feel safe.

79
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Then, tip toe, tip toe.

80
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He crosses his arms as I approach.
I circle. Circle again.

81
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,480
Stop, flick through some pages.

82
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The judge and the other lawyers,
they know what's coming.

83
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They know, they cringe for him.

84
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But they love it! They lean forward.

85
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The jury,
the people in the gallery, no idea.

86
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And him, in the witness box,
the one I'm talking to, no clue.

87
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Still, no fucking clue!

88
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'And, I'm sorry but, just to clarify,

89
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'I do have one more question,
I hope you don't mind,

90
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,760
'it will help me get the full picture.'

91
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,280
Was that an eye roll from him?

92
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Perfect!

93
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,520
But if he was watching
the prosecution counsel,

94
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,520
the guy turning his head
down to the table,

95
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he might know, he might sense.

96
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:15,160
If he wasn't so sure, so cocky,
he'd feel it. Danger.

97
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Something is about to go down

98
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,880
but no, he's in his element.

99
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He thinks he is the cat
and I am the mouse.

100
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It is perfect.

101
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The prosecution counsel looks up.

102
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I stop moving.
I stop paper shuffling.

103
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I look right at the witness.

104
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I ask my question.
A strange flicker across his face.

105
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He glances quickly to the prosecutor.
Prosecutor can't say anything.

106
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But his eyes!

107
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His eyes are straining, trying to say,

108
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'Don't. Don't. Keep your wits about you.
Don't fall into this trap.'

109
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And, my last circle.
Then, bang!

110
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– ♪ Ah-ah... ♪
– I fire four questions like bullets.

111
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Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.

112
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Face, shock.
Utter annihilation.

113
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And the look that I get,

114
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dawning.

115
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You fucking idiot!

116
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You thought you had this.

117
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But here I am.
Watch the witness sweat.

118
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Silence.
People in the gallery lean forward.

119
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'Wow! She's good!'

120
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My client, the accused, is awestruck.

121
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My eyes are on the witness's face.

122
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Now for the first time,
he actually sees me.

123
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He is furious.

124
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'Answer the question, please, Mr Bateman.'

125
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Professional. The prosecutor sits
at the bar table, head down.

126
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It's all over now – he knows it,
I know it, the judge knows it,

127
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the witness is about to really know it.

128
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[SWEETLY] 'Your honour, the witness
is not answering the question.'

129
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Sweetest voice ever.

130
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The judge reminds Mr Bateman
that he must answer the question.

131
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'Answer counsel's question,
please, Mr Bateman.'

132
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A look of sheer hatred, at me.

133
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He's cornered. He is fucked.
His head is down.

134
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He mumbles something.
'I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.'

135
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Judge, 'You must speak into the microphone
for the transcript recording, Mr Bateman.'

136
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I smile benevolently.

137
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,880
'Is it a yes then, sir?
So you agree with me then?'

138
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The judge has had enough, the man is
destroyed, he knows my tactics.

139
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'You have your answer, Ms Ensler.'
Yes!

140
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I do. 'Thank you, Your Honour,
I have no further questions.'

141
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Judge, 'Any re-examination?'

142
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,760
The prosecutor stands, but no.

143
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,800
No, there is no point digging his witness
in further. It's a no-brainer.

144
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:42,080
The witness walks past me,
flashes me a look, utter confusion.

145
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,200
What just happened?
It's not emotional for me. It's the game.

146
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,520
It's the game of law.
I stand up again, completely professional.

147
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,720
I submit 'there is no case to answer',
call for a dismissal.

148
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The judge is swift.

149
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It is all over now.

150
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,400
The barristers' rule
is the winner can't flaunt it.

151
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,560
Every winner might be the one
who loses the next day.

152
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We don't call it losing.
We call it 'coming second'.

153
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Today, the prosecutor came second.

154
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I pack up my files.
Nod thanks to counsel for the prosecution.

155
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,400
Don't make eye contact, blah, blah, blah.

156
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,960
Motion for my client to up and leave.

157
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:23,400
Everybody watches my walk,
leather satchel across my chest.

158
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,720
Undo my jacket button.

159
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,320
Saunter.

160
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:32,480
Turn at the door, nod to the judge,
gesture for my client to do the same.

161
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,000
Outside the courtroom, he's free.
He gets to go home.

162
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,360
His mother is weeping,
she holds my hand to her heart.

163
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,640
I like the mothers, they know, they
understand. I tell them, 'I've got to run.

164
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,720
'I've got another case to prepare.
I don't want to see you in here again.'

165
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,520
My client nods, shakes my hand.

166
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,240
Respect.

167
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,760
Power.

168
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Today, I was a winner.
Today, I came first.

169
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,440
♪ Ah-ah ♪

170
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,080
Outside the court, I turn on my iPhone.

171
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,840
I call Alice to debrief on my case.

172
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:13,160
Someone else picks up. It's Jules.
He asks me how it went.

173
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'I won.'
[MIMICS] 'What's new?' he says.

174
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,320
I throw files into a cab to the train
station. I'm laughing on the phone.

175
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,000
I hop out, the cabbie calls me back.

176
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,040
'It's not an Uber!'
I forgot to pay. Shit!

177
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,360
I hang up.
I feel bad, I give the driver a tip.

178
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:34,440
I tell him my uncle drives a cab.
Cabbie smiles at me.

179
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,840
Euston.

180
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,680
Catching the train to Liverpool,
and I finally start to let it go –

181
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,680
the adrenalin, the pace.

182
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,560
I listen to some music.

183
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:47,560
It's a long ride to Mum's, and the gloss
of this legal life melts into my seat

184
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:51,280
as the train makes its way
to where I started out.

185
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,920
I walk up the high street,
stop at the corner shop,

186
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,760
pick up Mum's favourite drink,
a big bottle of Fanta.

187
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,480
The guy behind the counter remembers me.

188
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,600
We talk about how his business
has slowed right down,

189
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,240
the new Tesco Express on the corner.

190
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:09,120
Mum is in the kitchen when I get there.

191
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,680
Little brother, 'Mick!' can't hear me,
he's playing his PlayStation.

192
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,560
Older brother, Johnny, is in bed.
'Mum?'

193
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,400
'He had a big night last night.'
Again.

194
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,920
The telly's on and the news is blaring.

195
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,520
Outrage.

196
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,160
Some poor family
had been paid too much benefits.

197
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:30,760
Me mum lights up a ciggie,
tells me the Fanta isn't sugar-free.

198
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,280
Fa-ail!

199
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,480
Asks me to chop the veg.

200
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:40,240
She's been cleaning offices all day,
offices like the one I work in.

201
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,520
Chop. Chop.

202
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,120
Chop.

203
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,440
Chop.
'I won a case today.'

204
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,240
'Oh, you got more criminals
out on our streets then, did ya?'

205
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,400
No fucking point replying!

206
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,840
She goes out to her room, comes back,

207
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:01,960
hands me a hot-pink, 100% polyester shirt.

208
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,440
'I saw it on sale.
It looks like what a lawyer would wear.'

209
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,520
– It's not!
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

210
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:12,000
But this is my mum's way
of saying she is proud.

211
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,160
She is tentative, 'Do you like it?'

212
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,160
'I love it, Mum.'

213
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:21,680
I stop chopping. I put it on for her
right there in the kitchen.

214
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,000
'Your brother,
he got into a fight last night.'

215
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,680
'What? Not again!'

216
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:30,080
As I hug her, I feel her stiffen a little,
she pulls away.

217
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,480
'Mum, he should be working full time.

218
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:36,360
'No, paying his way,
not out at night drinking and partying.

219
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,600
'Mum, he's a fucking loser!'

220
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:43,080
I turn, there's Johnny, my brother,
standing right at the door.

221
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,920
His face is contorted.
Over his eyebrow is a dried bloody mess.

222
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,800
He erupts.
He almost spits at me.

223
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:56,760
[MIMICS] 'Fancy fucking lawyer
in your fancy fucking pink shirt, eh?'

224
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,040
Johnny lurches at me. Mum screams.

225
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,040
Micky can't hear anything
with his PlayStation on.

226
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,720
'Go on. Go on, hit me.
Show me what a big guy you are.'

227
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,800
And we are right back there.

228
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,960
He doesn't hit me, he's never hit me.

229
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,280
I feel bad that I've just said that.
I just... I want him to be better.

230
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,600
Not be this guy,
the one with a blood-encrusted forehead,

231
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,000
while breathing out last night's fumes
as he speaks.

232
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:27,280
This man, he... He was once my best mate.
He did everything with me.

233
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,160
Johnny swoops at the wall,
vegetable pieces fly everywhere.

234
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,840
I am just gonna leave.

235
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:37,600
And the last thing that I see is my mum
on the floor trying to pick them up.

236
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,200
Pieces of carrots and broccoli.
On her hands and knees.

237
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,440
First day. University law school.

238
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,800
Cambridge! Yes.

239
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:54,280
Two hundred faces,
each with three A stars at A-levels.

240
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,040
I mean, all of us,
on almost perfect scores.

241
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:03,440
You know, all summer, everyone
has looked at us as if we are 'something'.

242
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,320
No longer a spotty sixth former.

243
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,400
Now, someone to watch.

244
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,280
I mean, society tells us
law school means you're important.

245
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,400
Everyone seems to believe it, except me.
I'm still pretending.

246
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,760
We take our seats
in the induction lecture. I look around.

247
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,120
Secretly fearful
that perhaps I've fluked it,

248
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,200
that someone's gonna burst
through the door of the induction hall,

249
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,600
call out my name and say,
'There's been a terrible mistake.'

250
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,400
But I get swept up in it all.

251
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:40,720
The Dean stands, telling us,
[MIMICS] 'You are the crème de la crème!'

252
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,840
She actually said that.
I mean, we like it.

253
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,160
Top law school, top city,
top marks, top people.

254
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,640
We like to hear this.

255
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,840
'You will be the ones
to change the country.'

256
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,880
Then just like a lawyer, she stops.

257
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,760
'But look to the person to your left.'

258
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,000
We do. Me, I'm shy.

259
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,800
Guy on my left is bloody gorgeous!

260
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:07,040
And confident, I can tell
he is from a posh school, yeah.

261
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,200
He already knows he will be the one
to change the country.

262
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:15,240
We nod at each other,
he takes in my outfit, I wither...

263
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,000
It's obvious I'm not from where he's from.

264
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,440
[AS DEAM] 'Now look to the person
to your right.'

265
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,920
The girl on my right has a haircut
that screams 'private school'.

266
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,120
I hold back, but she gives me a warm smile
and then pulls a funny face.

267
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,360
[SNORTS] I let out a small noise
that is a laugh.

268
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,840
[AS DEAN] 'Look back and hear this.
One of the three of you will not make it.

269
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:43,280
'Yes. One of the three of you will fail,
make no mistake.

270
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,000
'You are all in competition
with each other.

271
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,320
'You are not friends,
you are fighting each other.

272
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,480
'The game starts now.'

273
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,040
I can't look at either of them.

274
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,640
One tick, two tick, third one gone.

275
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,320
The other two,
they think it's gonna be me.

276
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:03,240
Yeah. Yeah, I am the one who won't make it
because you can tell I don't belong here.

277
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,680
I get angry at them.

278
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:08,600
The girl starts typing on her phone,
an expensive phone.

279
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,320
Oh, I can tell we won't talk again, yeah.

280
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,760
She'll be a top lawyer
and won't remember my name. It's OK.

281
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,560
[AS DEAN] 'Out of those of you
who even make it to the bar,

282
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,040
'only one in ten of you
will get Pupillage.

283
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,720
'Only five of those might get Silk.

284
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,600
'And only one has the chance
at being a judge each decade.'

285
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,600
I look to the boy to my left.
[MIMICS HIM] 'Benedict.'

286
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,280
– Of course he's called Benedict.
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

287
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,080
He glances at me.
He has already dismissed me.

288
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,040
Fuck you!

289
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,320
The Dean stands, talks the law.

290
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:43,560
[AS DEAN] 'Never assume anyone is telling
the truth, even yourself.

291
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,320
'There is no real truth, only legal truth.

292
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,440
'Don't trust your gut instinct,
trust your legal instinct.

293
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,320
'You will get it wrong
if you think you know what will happen.

294
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,600
'You are the best of the best,

295
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:02,720
'prepare for the fight of your life
because law school is just the beginning.'

296
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,920
The boy on my left, Benedict,
he gets through, just as I predicted.

297
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,440
The girl on my right, Mia,

298
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,800
she drops out after first year
to go to acting school.

299
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:19,320
But before she goes,
Mia becomes my best friend – for life.

300
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,920
Yes!

301
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,200
Instincts can be wrong.

302
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,240
Never assume
you're telling yourself the truth.

303
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:31,720
Don't trust what you think you know.
This, this is not life, this is law.

304
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,760
Another three sentence matters
and I head back to chambers.

305
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,400
Once I'm in my room, I go through
the evidence of a big case tomorrow.

306
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,920
It's a complex matter,
but it's in good shape.

307
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,800
It's been a long week this one.

308
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,560
– We head to the PUB!
– [♪ DANCE MUSIC POUNDING]

309
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,800
There's a group there from law school.

310
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:55,560
Those from my chambers, Alice, Julian.
Adam? Oh, he never comes out.

311
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,320
All of us there.

312
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,840
Too many bottles of Prosecco and, er...

313
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,600
..four tequila shots.

314
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,440
Each.

315
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,200
Julian's hand lingers on my back
as he talks to me.

316
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,520
'Everyone up!' Dancing!

317
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,000
Suit jackets flung on the backs of chairs.

318
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,200
Noise. I smokes outside.

319
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,920
1 a.m. still dancing.

320
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,200
Julian's hand is on my waist.

321
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,920
He's telling me he's just won a...

322
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,080
a massive drug appeal, bloody incredible!

323
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,040
Said he manoeuvred his way
around the rules in the Grove appeal.

324
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,720
Ooh, I'm dancing...

325
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,080
I'm dancing real sexy now!

326
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,160
Let go of it all!

327
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,080
What?

328
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,360
'Criminal defence barristers, yeah.

329
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,320
'We believe in the law.
We believe in the system.'

330
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,840
Jules's eyes all over me.

331
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,880
'We believe in innocent
until proven guilty.

332
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,640
'No, no, it's not just a catchphrase.

333
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,840
'It is the bedrock
of how you keep a society civilised.'

334
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,880
Music has Jules up real close.
I'm liking it.

335
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,320
'Prosecutors, you work with the police.

336
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,840
'No, no, no.
You say you're fighting for justice.

337
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,400
'You, you are fighting for jail time!

338
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:14,280
'Defence is about human rights. Yes!

339
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,040
'Human rights!

340
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,160
'The right to innocence
unless there is reasonable doubt.'

341
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,640
I put my hand on Jules's waist,
move in close.

342
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,960
'Your liberty, your life is in our hands.'
I toss my hair.

343
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,480
'You want the best of the best, yeah?

344
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,040
'You want the smartest,
you want the most agile minds.'

345
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,320
I flick Jules's wandering hand.

346
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,600
'Hey, hey, everyone is watching!'

347
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:43,040
'Those... Those who do not pre-judge you,
who trust the system, that is us.'

348
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,480
Jules is kissing my neck, it's nice.

349
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,040
Alice gives me a look. Eye roll.

350
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:53,240
'It's our job to find holes in the case,
keep the police honest, protect society.'

351
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,720
Alice knows I won't go home with Jules.

352
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,200
I've got to be primed
for a big case tomorrow.

353
00:18:58,320 --> 00:18:59,800
Shit!

354
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,760
I peel Jules off me, I order an Uber,
kiss Alice goodbye.

355
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:09,160
I grab my jacket
and I stumble out of the bar.

356
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,400
By 8:30 a.m., after two soy lattes...

357
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,360
– [♪ DANCE MUSIC STOPS]
– ..I'm back in chambers!

358
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:21,160
– (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
– Woo! Julian smiles at me.

359
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,200
He's already there. I, er...

360
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:28,080
I barge into Alice's room.
She pours me a green tea.

361
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,840
Ooh!

362
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,280
Asks me what I'm working on.

363
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,040
'Um, well, a burglary for Monday,

364
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,840
'but then I've got
two sexual assaults next week.'

365
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,120
'Mm, tough,' she says.

366
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,360
'I'll get them off.

367
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,520
'One of them has PTSD from Afghanistan,
so I'll milk that if he goes down,

368
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,800
'make sure he's not potted.'
Sent away.

369
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,320
'You're doing a lot
of sex assault at the moment.'

370
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,080
'It's the cab rank rule.' She nods.
'I don't choose them, they choose me.'

371
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:59,320
If your court diary is free and you get a
brief for anything in your field of law –

372
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,680
for me, criminal law –
you have to say yes.

373
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,480
It's like at the airport. Cabbies can't
pick and choose what ride they want.

374
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,120
They get what they get.
It's the cab rank rule.

375
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,480
'You don't think they're using you because
you're a woman and it looks better?'

376
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,480
'So what? Cab rank is cab rank.'

377
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,520
'I just... I think barristers tend
to hide behind the rule, is all.'

378
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,920
'No, we play by the rules.'

379
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:27,120
Alice, she came second in her last
four hearings, yeah? Not good!

380
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,440
I tell her I can flick her some
small matters this week. I'm overbooked.

381
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,800
She nods.
She's pretty anxious about work.

382
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,960
I wouldn't like to be her.
You know the barristers' catchphrase?

383
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,120
'You're only ever as good
as your last brief.'

384
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,240
Adam and Jules call me in.

385
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,280
'Need to pick your brain
on a complex matter.'

386
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,480
Ah! I haven't lost a case in months.

387
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,480
I mean, it feels good.

388
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:55,480
Adam and I, we go down
to the local Pret for lunch.

389
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,000
We're in the queue
with the corporate lawyers.

390
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,960
Oh. Solicitors who specialise
in company law.

391
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:08,080
Italian suits, nice.
Like, really nice ties.

392
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,200
Women in silk shirts,
group of five of them.

393
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,680
They are a different breed. They're all...

394
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,640
They're all corporate contracts.
[SNORTS] Yawn!

395
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,720
You know,
they think barristers are arrogant.

396
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,880
Yeah, well, I mean, maybe we are a bit.

397
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

398
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:28,320
Adam is talking about a law graduate
who wants to come and work with him.

399
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,400
We laugh about the previous pupils
we've had in chambers.

400
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:36,120
I tell him about Sophie. 'Young, new to
criminal law.' He vaguely remembers her.

401
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,400
I'm supervising her
in a client conference.

402
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,960
The client says
he wants to plead not guilty,

403
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,760
and she says to him,
no, I swear to you, she says,

404
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,120
'But tell me the truth, did you do it?'

405
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,240
Adam shakes his head.
So I jump in, you know.

406
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,680
'Hold everything, Sophie.'
Take her to one side.

407
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,560
'What the fuck are you doing?'
She's all, 'What? What?'

408
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,320
I'm telling her,
'He's pleading not guilty.

409
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,360
'What if he now tells you he did it?
It limits what you can say in court?'

410
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:06,120
She's goes, 'So?' No idea!
Adam jokingly slaps his forehead.

411
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,600
'You're walking
an ethical tightrope, Sophie.

412
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:12,480
'You don't get to ask him if he did it.
You take his instructions and that is it.

413
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,920
'If he has a case, you run it.
End of story.

414
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,560
'You don't play God!
You don't decide or judge.'

415
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:22,400
Adam is laughing now. She said to me...
No, I swear this is word for word.

416
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,560
'But what if he did it?
Would I still have to defend him?'

417
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,920
Adam bites into his sandwich.
'Did she apologise?'

418
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,440
'Are you kidding?
She left, and she never came back.'

419
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,800
[LAUGHING] We both laugh.

420
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,440
Adam and I, we got voted

421
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,320
the best criminal senior/junior
defence barristers in chambers.

422
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,640
Well, I mean, I have to admit,
Adam is the best.

423
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:48,520
Everyone knows it.
He's a nice guy, too. Smart.

424
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,680
And Adam cross-examines so politely.

425
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,760
I mean, when he cross-examines
a sexual assault victim,

426
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:58,480
an alleged victim, he gently moves them
into thinking he is on their side.

427
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,720
He never goes in for the kill,
he just lulls them with sympathy

428
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,080
and then analyses their answers.

429
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,080
His view is there is no need
to cause pain.

430
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,440
They're usually so uncorroborated,
and the law is the law.

431
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,680
If there is any doubt,
then it's about uncovering it.

432
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:19,040
It's helpful for me to talk to Adam.
I mean, it makes me a better lawyer.

433
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,960
Stand outside it, don't take sides.

434
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,760
Test the law. Test it. Test it.

435
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,120
And if the story has holes,
then point them out.

436
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,040
Because it's not just your case,
it's the law that is at stake.

437
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,840
And the law,
it is there to protect everyone.

438
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,760
It's to protect those who accuse,
protect those who are accused,

439
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:42,120
protect the police that don't cut corners,
so the police that do are exposed.

440
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,640
We can't just pre-judge someone.

441
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,400
OK, OK, if a few guilty people get off,

442
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,680
it's because the job was not done well
enough by the prosecution and the police.

443
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,160
Due process, it's everything.

444
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:59,720
But there is always that question
every dinner party.

445
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:04,520
'How do you act for someone
who you know did it?'

446
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,920
But a lawyer's job is not that grand.

447
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:12,360
Mm-mm, no, the job is not to know,
it's to not know.

448
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,800
The only way the system works
is because we all play our roles.

449
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:20,520
My role is defence.
The prosecutor prosecutes.

450
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:26,080
We each tell a story and the jury decide
which story is the one they believe.

451
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,480
They take the responsibility.

452
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,200
A good lawyer just tells
the best version of their client's story.

453
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:37,560
Nothing more. Nothing else.
Just a storyteller, a voice piece.

454
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,240
Never judge, never ever judge.
Never decide!

455
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,280
The minute you do that, you are fucked!

456
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,520
You've lost. Well, you are lost.

457
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:51,480
Julian and I, we burn the midnight oil
night after night.

458
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,080
We are both booked out for weeks.

459
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,000
Adam, he seems to somehow go home
and work from there.

460
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:02,040
Adam, he has a kid now.
I mean, I don't know how he does it.

461
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,040
He might just be
the cleverest person I know.

462
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,760
He can recite whole sections
of the Criminal Justice Act.

463
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,040
He's a fre-eak!

464
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,800
But I like that he sees me as an equal,
a brain to trust.

465
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,160
Julian comes in,

466
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,920
asks me about his GBH case.

467
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,840
It's tricky.
It looks bad for his client.

468
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,040
Should he plead it out
and get a lesser sentence?

469
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,440
We head to his room,
so he can pour us each a vodka.

470
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:37,160
If his client pleads, he'll definitely
do a few years, he has a past.

471
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:41,760
But a guilty plea gives him a discount
on the time he will serve.

472
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,720
On the other hand, there's a strong chance
the facts don't work for the police.

473
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,960
It's a hard decision.

474
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,240
I spot something.

475
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:55,840
Looks like some of the officers
fixed something to make it look better.

476
00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,080
It is a fundamental mistake.
We laugh. [CHUCKLES]

477
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,960
[CLOCK TICKING]

478
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,640
Jules's eyes are on me.

479
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,080
Moves in close.

480
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,760
Too much vodka... Woops!

481
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,120
I find myself kissing Jules.

482
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:22,040
He... He is more gentle
than I thought he would be.

483
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,880
Boyish, sheepish, Jules!
Who would have thought it?

484
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,120
He... He is not a look
I would usually find attractive.

485
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,320
He's all, er...
He's all clean and well pampered.

486
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,880
He smells of expensive aftershave,
son of a QC,

487
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,560
but right now, he is exactly what I want.

488
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,480
We fuck on the corner sofa in his office.

489
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,760
We laugh about the cliché we are.
'Barristers doing it in chambers!'

490
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:55,040
He nuzzles up close to me afterwards,
says he was sure I would have a boyfriend.

491
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,640
It's sweet.
How did I become that girl?

492
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,880
I tell him things
I don't usually talk about,

493
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,120
and he listens!

494
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:06,400
About my family, my life, losing my dad.

495
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,040
He's surprised.

496
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:13,560
Says he always thought I was another
private school girl. I laugh. 'Watch this!

497
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:18,360
[AFFECTED ACCENT] 'I can do private school
girl better than private school girls.'

498
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,000
He's not sure how to take this.

499
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,600
Am I mocking him and his people?

500
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,560
He snores slightly as he falls asleep.

501
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,080
I, er...

502
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,440
Well, I read a case.

503
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,520
I wake him at 4:00.

504
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:42,520
I tell him I need to get back and...
I've got to feed my cat.

505
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,240
We dress.

506
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:47,800
I order an Uber.
He gets in the car with me.

507
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,720
'Er... You're coming?'

508
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,280
[MIMICS JULES] 'Or I could...
I could not, if you'd prefer?'

509
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,800
'Er, well, I need to sleep.'

510
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,320
Jules is nervous.

511
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,320
'Could we...
Could we do something this week?'

512
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,640
Jules is nervous!

513
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,960
'Or we don't...
We don't have to if you feel...

514
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,480
'if you feel weird.'

515
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,800
I do feel weird. Our rooms
are on the same floor in chambers.

516
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:21,040
It is Julian.
[GASPS] I do want to see him again.

517
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,920
Cross-examining police officers
can be kind of...

518
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:27,880
fun?

519
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,760
I know, I know.
Sounds bad, right? But some of them...

520
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,720
Some of them
can be so friggin' self-righteous.

521
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:39,120
Show me an officer who hasn't run
their story past their partner,

522
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,560
trying to close the gaps.

523
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,360
If you try to play God in this system,
you are damned,

524
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,840
but the police, they forget.

525
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,440
They think they are the system.

526
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,960
So, the trick is to get under their skin.

527
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:59,240
If you aggravate them,
they get defensive and they make mistakes,

528
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:04,040
and you can discredit
anything they have said before.

529
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:06,200
Just last week,

530
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,360
Snaresbrook Crown Court.

531
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:15,560
'I suggest you are a man
who is quick to anger, Constable.'

532
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,840
[MIMICS OFFICER] 'No,
and it's not Constable, it's Sergeant.'

533
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:23,680
[SELF] 'I suggest you are a man who is
likely to make mistakes, Constable.'

534
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,240
[MIMICS] 'No, and it's Sergeant.'

535
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,560
[SELF] 'But you have made some
inconsistent statements in court today,

536
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:34,640
'haven't you, Constable...
Oh, I am sorry, Sergeant?'

537
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,000
[MIMICS] 'I made a simple mistake.'

538
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,360
[SELF] 'But you did read
your partner's statement

539
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,480
'before you wrote your own,
didn't you, Sergeant?'

540
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:47,480
[MIMICS] 'I don't know.'
[SELF] 'I suggest that you do know, sir?'

541
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,040
[MIMICS] 'Yes.'

542
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,760
[SELF] 'Ah! Well, that's interesting!

543
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:59,480
'Because your partner has said the exact
opposite here in court today, Constable.'

544
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,840
[SHOUTS ANGRILY] 'It's Sergeant!'

545
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,080
[SELF] 'Oh, I am sorry.

546
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:08,560
'I didn't mean to make you angry, sir.

547
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,200
'Thank you so much for your frank answers
and for assisting the court today.'

548
00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:14,360
Judge, 'Ms Ensler!'

549
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,160
[SELF] 'Thank you, Your Honour,
I have no further questions.'

550
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:20,760
But cross-examination
in a sexual assault case,

551
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,000
it is a completely different thing.

552
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:26,520
In sexual assault cases, it's usually
just one person's word against the other.

553
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:30,720
Yes, the sex act happened,
but was it consensual or not?

554
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:34,400
The story, it has to make legal truth.

555
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:37,240
The defence doesn't have to prove
she did consent.

556
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:41,760
You just have to point out
he did not know there was no consent.

557
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,200
Was it reasonable
for him to think it was OK?

558
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:49,200
I feel for the alleged victim,
the complainant, I really do.

559
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,800
I can tell they're scared
of what I might ask them.

560
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,040
Some of the male barristers,
they still use this tone,

561
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,320
'Make them look like liars,
doubt themselves.'

562
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,480
I am clear and concise, nothing more.

563
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,440
A complainant doesn't realise it, but they
are actually lucky it's me doing this –

564
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,640
testing the case, without destroying them.

565
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,720
And yet, sometimes...

566
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,760
I remember this one case.

567
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:23,160
No screen in court.
Her choice.

568
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:28,360
This woman, she looked at me
square in the face and she said,

569
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:32,320
'I'm not getting anything out of this,
I don't want to be here.

570
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,640
'I'm just doing this
to protect other women from this man.'

571
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:39,200
Jenna.
It shook me and I admired her.

572
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:41,960
It is just...
I am trained to think differently.

573
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:43,720
Jenna lost.

574
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,400
She was so composed throughout
all her evidence, but afterwards,

575
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,960
I saw her fold in two.

576
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,000
What if he did it?

577
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,600
I got him off. Shit!

578
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:58,000
I can't think like that. The prosecutor
should have done a better job.

579
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,960
My job is just to point out holes
in the Crown's story.

580
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:05,920
Because, you know, I mean, we all think
we know the absolute truth of our lives,

581
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:10,200
but how many times have we sworn
the dress we wore to a party was red,

582
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,560
and then seen a photo of a blue dress?

583
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,600
Swore we put our keys here,
but left them there? People are fallible.

584
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,800
And their word, it has to be tested,

585
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:21,280
especially if someone's
freedom is at stake.

586
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,480
Did he intend to cause harm?

587
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:28,120
Her word against his – I test her word,
her version of the story in court.

588
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,160
Test it, test it.

589
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,280
And it's the jury
who take the responsibility.

590
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:35,760
I don't make the decision.
Not me.

591
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,240
'I'm sorry, Jenna,
but I need to ask you a few questions.

592
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:43,000
'You said you removed
your clothing yourself, is that right?

593
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:46,360
'We know that you had been drinking
that night at a club.

594
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,960
'But would you agree with me that you had
three glasses of gin and tonic,

595
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:56,040
'two vodka limes,
and two or three glasses of wine?

596
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,080
'And would I be correct to assume

597
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,280
'that these were all
at least standard bar sizes?

598
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:05,400
'And then you invited my client
back to your home,

599
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,960
'were you both consumed more alcohol?

600
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,440
'You agree you both drank vodka?

601
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:14,360
'And is it possible
that you were intoxicated?

602
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,360
'And while you were intoxicated,

603
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:22,920
'you agree that the events of that evening
were a bit blurry, as you stated?

604
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:28,960
'So, when you took off your clothing,
you were not saying no, were you?

605
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:33,160
'And if, in your mind,
you had perhaps reconsidered,

606
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,880
'you didn't manage to say this
at any stage?

607
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:41,560
'And I suggest to you that it wasn't until
your sister asked about the evening

608
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,400
'a few nights later
that you first indicated

609
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,200
'it might be sexual assault?

610
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:50,680
'Thank you so much.

611
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:53,520
'I am sorry if I've caused you
any distress.

612
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,560
'You understand my role is
to ask questions

613
00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,320
'that can shed some light on the evening.'

614
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,480
She hates me.

615
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:04,640
Call Mia in a different time zone.

616
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,600
Oh! She's in Australia.

617
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,920
She's doing some...
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] ..acting gig.

618
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:14,200
Ooh, I miss her.
I mean, we talk about everything.

619
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,560
A long, long call.

620
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:20,560
I'm on my balcony in my dressing gown
with a cigarette.

621
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:25,000
I tell her everything about Jules.
She laughs.

622
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:29,880
She asks more questions.
Mia says she thinks I'm falling for him.

623
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,040
[SQUEALS] Maybe she's right.
No! Maybe.

624
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,960
Tessa and Julian. Julian and Tess.

625
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,520
Oh, stop!

626
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:42,880
I told Alice the next day,
'Well, we might have been flirting a bit.'

627
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,280
She said she could see it
heading that way, mm.

628
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:50,960
Told me to enjoy it, said he's a great
guy, that I look really happy.

629
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:55,640
I never told Adam, I'm not sure why.
Maybe because it's a chambers thing.

630
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,520
Also, him and Jules are really good mates.

631
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:02,440
Or did I not want Adam to think of me
as Julian's girlfriend?

632
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,840
I'm not sure.

633
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,080
Still not sure.

634
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:11,760
Alice and I, we go shopping, have lunch.
I buy a dress. I wear it that night.

635
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:15,320
But before I leave,
I prep my brief for Monday.

636
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,440
I pack my horsehair wig
into my barrister's bag,

637
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,640
robes folded in there, too.

638
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,560
I run into a QC in the square outside.

639
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:26,600
He says he was very impressed
with the work I've been doing.

640
00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:28,800
It feels great. What a compliment!

641
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:33,440
He asks if I'm interested in a tenancy
that's become available in his chambers.

642
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,760
It's a prestigious chambers
with top-level silks.

643
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,760
I'm speechless.
It's a huge honour.

644
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,640
He suggests I come by
and grab coffee with him.

645
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:46,280
I...
I dare to nod. [NERVOUS LAUGH]

646
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:50,600
I am not sure I could ever justify
the cost of the new chambers.

647
00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:54,920
But, I mean, it gets me thinking,
you know...

648
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,080
I mean if things with Julian go well,

649
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,680
maybe moving eventually
might be a good idea.

650
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:02,880
You can't be a couple
in the same chambers.

651
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,800
Stop.

652
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:09,520
Julian meets me at the Japanese place
on the corner.

653
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,400
We talk about work,

654
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:14,600
life,

655
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:16,520
books, everything.

656
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:20,040
We pour saké for each other.

657
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:24,480
There are a few people we know
at the other end of the restaurant.

658
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:28,400
We giggle as we duck our heads.
[CHUCKLES] We leave.

659
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:33,440
'Shall we...
Shall we get some wine?

660
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:37,560
'Get some gelato
from the posh place up the road?'

661
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,760
We Uber it to mine.

662
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:44,880
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

663
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,080
Kissing in the back.

664
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:48,920
Slowly.

665
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,880
Warm.

666
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,520
When we get to my place, he...

667
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,840
He, er...
He pours us some wine.

668
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,600
'I'll get the...
I'll get the sound system happening.

669
00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:00,920
'Fuck!

670
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:02,360
'Alexa!

671
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:03,880
'Play...

672
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,880
'Play something like, er...

673
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,920
'Coldplay.'

674
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,080
Because I know he's a fan.

675
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,600
– [♪ SOFT MUSIC]
– We both grab a spoon,

676
00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:15,720
dig into the gelato box together,

677
00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:17,600
feeding each other.

678
00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:20,360
The wine is a nice red, smooth,

679
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,760
mixed with the cool gelato,

680
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,360
and we kiss
in icy bliss.

681
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,960
And talk.

682
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:34,400
We talk about past relationships.

683
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,880
Well, mine are not that many, but...

684
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,400
Oh! He has a few.

685
00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:41,720
We drink.

686
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:47,240
He's telling me he's been doing
pro bono work in a legal centre.

687
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,400
I love that!
I swoon a bit.

688
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,520
We talk about his family.

689
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:57,160
His dad is a top barrister
and his mum is a physiotherapist.

690
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:58,960
Of course.

691
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,400
We kiss.

692
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,080
I feel dizzy.

693
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:07,760
I'm not sure if it's the kiss or the wine.
I take off my dress.

694
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,000
Julian takes off his shirt
and cups my breasts.

695
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:15,160
Somehow, my bra is also gone.

696
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,320
It's hot and sexy.

697
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:23,320
We move to my room, head to the bed,
seem to fall into having sex.

698
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:27,400
It's nice, smooth,
different from the time in chambers.

699
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:31,040
We doze off.
I'm not sure for how long.

700
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,760
Later that night, kissing and touching.

701
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:37,960
I close my eyes.
We are in sync. It's nice.

702
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,120
Until I get this...

703
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:43,320
this overwhelming desire to, er...

704
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:45,840
..to vomit!

705
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:50,040
I push him off me.
I rush to the loo, just make it.

706
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:55,920
Vomiting my guts out.
I feel everything hideous.

707
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,560
Vomiting.

708
00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:00,360
The dank smell of the toilet bowl.

709
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,120
[RETCHING]

710
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,920
Am I naked?

711
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:10,120
Squatting on the floor,
and Julian is in my bed hearing me vomit.

712
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,080
[MIMICS JULIAN] 'Are you OK?'

713
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,040
[RETCHING]

714
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:17,120
[SELF] 'Yeah, I'm fine, it's just the...

715
00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:21,120
'It's just the red wine mixed with...
[RETCHES]

716
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:23,600
'..with the ice cream.'

717
00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:30,840
– [DEEP RUMBLING RISING]
– I feel crap. I can't move.

718
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,160
I must have been there for a while.

719
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:38,000
I feel Julian lift me,
carrying me carefully back to the bed.

720
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,520
I keep my face away.
I must smell dreadful.

721
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:45,160
He whispers in my ear, 'Are you OK?'

722
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,200
'Yeah. Yeah, I'm just a bit...'

723
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,520
[RETCHES]

724
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,600
I fall partly asleep.

725
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,880
And then Julian's face is kissing mine.

726
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,880
I try to move.

727
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,400
'I need to brush my teeth.'
I can't kiss like this.

728
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:04,080
I still feel ill, dizzy, drunk.

729
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:07,160
I laugh, 'I feel gross!'

730
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:09,400
[LAUGHING, MUSIC FADES]

731
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:13,760
He tells me I am beautiful,
keeps kissing me.

732
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:15,640
I move my face.

733
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,560
His hands are all over me. I feel...

734
00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:21,360
I feel sick still.

735
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:25,600
And then somewhere from the corners
of my mind, I hear him say,

736
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:29,200
'Just lay there
and let me make love to you.'

737
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,240
I squirm again.

738
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,840
I feel his hands
and legs pushing against me.

739
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,360
Suddenly, I am very awake.

740
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:42,840
He is on top of me,
but his hand is over my face.

741
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:46,560
'Hang on. This is all too...
No.'

742
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:48,400
I can't breathe.

743
00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,080
'Stop. I need to brush my teeth, Julian.

744
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,880
'Julian!'
I tried to push him with my hands,

745
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:58,240
but he takes my hands
and I can't move, and...

746
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:00,240
and...

747
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:02,840
He's inside of me.

748
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:10,120
It's rough and painful and it...
it hurts something horrible.

749
00:41:10,240 --> 00:41:13,040
I feel myself leave my body.

750
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,080
This is not happening.

751
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,600
No. No. Not happening. I should...

752
00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:23,240
[GASPING] I should find a way
to want this, yeah,

753
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,720
yeah, or... or scream,
but I can't... I can't scream.

754
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:31,200
His hand is over my mouth.
I feel such panic.

755
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:34,120
I struggle to get out from under him.

756
00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:36,960
It goes on and on.

757
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:40,000
I try to... to bite his hand.

758
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,520
I writhe around and I try to kick him.

759
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,920
I can't breathe properly. He...

760
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,800
He is in a different place.
I am not there with him.

761
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:55,400
He doesn't seem to know.
He does not seem to care. Or is he...

762
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,880
Is he a completely different person?

763
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:04,160
How can he not know? How can he not know?

764
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,800
I feel a searing pain inside of me.

765
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,800
I want to vomit again.
There is no way out.

766
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,720
His hand is gone...

767
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,600
[WHIMPERS]

768
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:25,000
But I am not speaking.

769
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:30,280
Eyes on the ceiling
and there is just this...

770
00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:34,480
..this strange denial.

771
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,600
Julian slumped on top of me.

772
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:40,560
I am there, but I am not.

773
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,120
Julian snores.

774
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:49,320
I cry silently. I...

775
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,480
I struggle out of bed, I...

776
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,840
I stagger to the loo, naked, and I vomit.

777
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:03,120
And I vomit and I vomit,
and I brush my teeth. I...

778
00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:05,640
I scrub my body.
Skin red.

779
00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:09,440
I... I sit in the shower, thinking.
Just...

780
00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:12,440
Just trying hard to, er...

781
00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:14,640
to think the...

782
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,400
'The restaurant bill indicates

783
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:20,480
'there was a lot of saké
drunk by the both of you.'

784
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,240
– [DISTANT POUNDING RHYTHM]
– 'Witnesses saw you laughing, yes?'

785
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:27,720
'You said you removed
your clothing yourself, is that right?'

786
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:33,000
'There are two empty red wine bottles
at your house, wouldn't you agree?'

787
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:36,680
'You told people
you were hooking up with him.'

788
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:38,800
'Had you slept with the defendant before?'

789
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,560
'Did you invite him to your home,
to your bed?'

790
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:44,000
I...

791
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:49,880
I sit in the shower. What do I do now?
Should I call someone?

792
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:54,360
I... I get out of the shower,
skin red from the heat.

793
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:57,560
I... I dress in clothes
that I have in the spare room.

794
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,480
Summer clothes,
because I am not going back in there.

795
00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:02,920
I... I clean up the living room,

796
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,440
even though I know
I... I should leave it in case.

797
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:07,800
Just in case I wanna...

798
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,760
I want to hit rewind and... what?
He's in my bed.

799
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:16,160
I see me, I see my life,
the one I have built, my career.

800
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:18,960
My career. What do I do now?

801
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:22,200
Because, here I am. What do I do now?

802
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:27,160
Let him take everything away from me?
Become a witness in my own courtroom?

803
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:30,280
With Jules, Julian,
and all his dad's contacts.

804
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:33,800
Running his defence by Adam,
brilliant Adam.

805
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:35,560
Calling witnesses.

806
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,680
Mia, Alice, Uber driver,
waiter at the restaurant.

807
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:42,960
People who saw us laughing, gelato server,
off-licence guy.

808
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,200
No. Nope.

809
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:48,880
This is the legal truth,
this is how the law tries to understand.

810
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:50,800
No. No.

811
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:54,160
[VOICE BREAKING] I can't do it.
I don't know what to do. I...

812
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,920
I leave my own place.
I'm not sure why, where to go...

813
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,600
– [RAIN FALLS]
– I wander down the street.

814
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,960
Freezing in a skirt and sandals.

815
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:09,960
I walk for three hours
until I cannot walk any more.

816
00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:13,000
I... I come to a cab rank.

817
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,240
I get in the first taxi.

818
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:18,440
I want to get to Euston station,
catch the train to my mum's.

819
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:21,880
'Sorry, love, I'm only doing
airport rides this morning.'

820
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,160
'What?' 'Love, I haven't waited an hour
for that lousy ride.'

821
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,000
'Well, guess what, mate?
You don't get to choose.'

822
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:31,040
'It's my taxi!'
'You... You're at a cab rank.

823
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,200
'You go where the ride goes,
that is the rule.' 'Not this time.'

824
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:37,640
'You can get suspended for breaking
the rule so if you don't take me,

825
00:45:37,760 --> 00:45:41,080
'I will report you
and I will make sure that you go down.'

826
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:44,200
'I want you to open the door
and get out of my cab.' 'No.'

827
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,640
'If you don't get out, I'm gonna call
the police.' 'That's not fair.'

828
00:45:48,440 --> 00:45:52,200
The guy turns around.
I see his face take me in, it changes.

829
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:54,760
'It is not fair!'

830
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:00,960
All I can think of is my mum and...

831
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:05,680
I just want to be home with her.

832
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:11,240
I want to wrap myself up against her
on the old floral sofa.

833
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:14,680
I want to feel the rough heat of her.

834
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:21,440
The cabbie hands me a tissue.
How much time passes? Blow my nose. I...

835
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:28,040
I see his eyes in the rear-view mirror,
kind eyes now.

836
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:32,320
'I don't know where to go.'

837
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:35,520
The cabbie waits.

838
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:40,080
I look at the car clock.

839
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:42,680
6:09 a.m.

840
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:49,200
Legal instinct tells me
this is a losing case, but I...

841
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,760
I ask the cabbie.

842
00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:59,600
'Can you take me
to the nearest police station, please?'

843
00:46:59,720 --> 00:47:01,720
[POUNDING STOPS]

844
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,240
[♪ SOFT, MELANCHOLIC MELODY]

845
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:20,760
♪ When you've just woke up in the morning

846
00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:28,360
♪ And the sunlight finds your face

847
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:36,320
♪ I will always love you like that

848
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:47,240
♪ When the make-up leaves no trace... ♪

849
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:58,040
[♪ STOPS]

850
00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:00,480
[♪ RISING TENSION]

851
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:30,840
[♪ MELANCHOLIC MELODY,
RISING TENSION]

852
00:49:21,120 --> 00:49:22,960
[♪ STOPS]

853
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:25,600
This is me.

854
00:49:25,720 --> 00:49:28,600
Outside, looking in. Watching myself.

855
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:31,920
Moving through the doors.
Sound of my heels on the floor.

856
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:34,160
Inner London Crown Court.

857
00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:37,400
This is me, moving through
the security system.

858
00:49:37,520 --> 00:49:40,480
Detached. Objective.
This is me, bag on the belt.

859
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:43,360
This time, no lawyer's ID, no easy pass.

860
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,160
Just me.

861
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,560
Moving through the metal detector.
Alarm rings.

862
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,360
– [ALARM BLARING]
– I take off my shoes, back through again.

863
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:54,440
This is me being swiped
by the handheld metal detector.

864
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:57,440
This time, I'm... I'm over there.

865
00:49:57,560 --> 00:49:59,520
I see black robes swishing.

866
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:02,440
Horsehair wigs leaning in
toward each other.

867
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:05,920
Paper, folders, confident chatter.
Did one of them see me?

868
00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:08,000
Oh, God. Head down.

869
00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:10,920
This is me,
picking up my bag and mobile,

870
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:13,600
walking to the lift
with the witness support service.

871
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:17,760
This is me, Tessa Ensler.
This time, no barrister's wig, no robe.

872
00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:21,840
This is what it feels like.
Same court, no armour.

873
00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:25,240
This is me,
digging my nails into my wrists.

874
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:29,280
This is me,
walking into the lift, look at the floor.

875
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:32,600
Doors shut. Ding.
Barristers, solicitors, police.

876
00:50:32,720 --> 00:50:35,480
Exit, enter, exit, ding. Level two.

877
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:39,400
This is me walking out of the lift.
Find the meeting room.

878
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:44,240
This is me,
in a small windowless room.

879
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:48,560
White plastic table.
Green chair. Waiting. Waiting.

880
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,880
I've been waiting for 782 days,

881
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:55,520
and now today is the day.

882
00:50:55,640 --> 00:51:00,240
Three years at university, one year
at bar school and seven years of practice.

883
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:02,160
I have always believed and now...

884
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:05,680
Now, I need to know
that I was not mistaken,

885
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:10,320
that I can still believe in you,
can trust, can still hold on to you.

886
00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:16,240
Believe that you will show me
that before the law, there is justice.

887
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:19,480
But I am here
and you look so different from this end,

888
00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:22,640
from this seat in this windowless room.

889
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:25,240
The prosecutor, Richard,
he comes into the room.

890
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:29,840
Richard Lawson. I'm lucky he is
well respected, he knows the law.

891
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:32,680
And here we are, Inner London Crown Court,

892
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:37,120
Richard in his silk robes and wig,
ready to run the case.

893
00:51:37,240 --> 00:51:39,680
After all those adjournments.
Paperwork.

894
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:43,960
Yeah. Me, thinking, frustrated,
just weighed down by it.

895
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:49,800
Today is 782 days since the first day
at the police station.

896
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:52,960
– [THUD]
– The officer was a big guy.

897
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:54,960
Posters of missing people.

898
00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:59,000
One of a sad-looking woman
with bruises on her face.

899
00:51:59,120 --> 00:52:01,080
'This is not love.'

900
00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:05,160
A sticker,
'Be a Hero. Stop Crime Before it Happens.'

901
00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:08,080
Not stuck straight.
Someone... Someone's tried to deface it,

902
00:52:08,200 --> 00:52:12,480
but it looks like the pen didn't work
properly on the shiny sticker.

903
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:15,440
I was led into an interview room.

904
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:19,880
I've only ever seen video footage
of rooms like this one –

905
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:25,000
watching my client's interrogation
with my feet up on the desk in chambers.

906
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:29,560
All my sass and outrage
at the tricks the police play.

907
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:33,280
It's different when you're in here.

908
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,240
I'm cold, shivering.

909
00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:38,520
Skirt, top, sandals.

910
00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:40,640
Dressed from the spare room.

911
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:42,480
I want to ask for a woman, I need to,

912
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:44,840
but I don't want to get
the big officer offside.

913
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:46,560
He must've read my mind.

914
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:50,600
He's telling me I can come back
when the sexual assault unit is on,

915
00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:56,480
or a woman on duty, but I just...
I want to get it over with.

916
00:52:56,600 --> 00:52:59,280
He puts his coffee on the table,

917
00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:01,640
scratches around.

918
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,160
Then the questions start.

919
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:07,000
'Er, yes.'

920
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:09,840
'Er... Tessa Jane Ensler. No.'

921
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:11,840
'No, thank you. Yes.'

922
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:14,680
'Yes. I recognise I'm being recorded,
yes.'

923
00:53:16,160 --> 00:53:18,840
'I... I wanted to report...

924
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:24,000
'Because I think... Because I was...

925
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:29,080
'Something happened to me. I was just...

926
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:33,440
'Last night, this morning, I...

927
00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:36,560
'I... I was sexually assaulted.

928
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:39,040
'And I wanted to, er...'

929
00:53:39,160 --> 00:53:41,600
'Yes. Yes, he is known to me.'

930
00:53:41,720 --> 00:53:43,520
'Julian Brookes.'

931
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:48,120
'No. No, we work together.
I don't know about... about five years.'

932
00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:51,160
'A relationship?

933
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:54,080
'Sort of. No. No, well, I mean... No.

934
00:53:54,200 --> 00:53:57,240
'Last night, it wasn't the first time
that we'd been together.

935
00:53:57,360 --> 00:54:00,920
'We weren't...
We hadn't defined anything, so...

936
00:54:01,040 --> 00:54:04,720
'So, no. No. No, not a 'relationship'. No.

937
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:09,760
'Last week, we had... We had sex.'

938
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:13,560
'No. No, well, it was at work.'

939
00:54:13,680 --> 00:54:16,720
'No. No, no, no, it was after hours.

940
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,480
'His office. It just...
It sort of happened like that.'

941
00:54:19,600 --> 00:54:22,440
'Yes, I consented. That time.'

942
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,640
Silence as he takes this down.
Then he asks.

943
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:28,680
This is where I have to describe the rape.

944
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:32,920
I don't want to be a victim, damaged.
No. No. I want to be a survivor, but...

945
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:35,000
'Where was this hand?'

946
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:36,880
'Your leg? His arm?'

947
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:39,680
'So, did you use your other hand
to push him away?'

948
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:42,920
'Fight back?
Will he have marks where you fought him?'

949
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:45,280
'On his hand where you bit him?'

950
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:48,200
Then other body parts.
More questions.

951
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:50,000
I can't look at the officer any more.

952
00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,960
'I... I... I don't know. I don't know.'

953
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:54,920
Humiliation. Distress.

954
00:54:55,040 --> 00:54:57,040
Wrong or foolish behaviour?

955
00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:00,160
Was it me?

956
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:02,520
What did I do wrong?
I mean, was I foolish?

957
00:55:02,640 --> 00:55:05,760
What should I have done?
The officer wants my phone. 'No, no.

958
00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:09,800
'I need it!' He's not happy about this.
He leaves the room.

959
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:13,400
I'm alone again.

960
00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:15,120
Waiting.

961
00:55:15,240 --> 00:55:17,040
Waiting. He returns.

962
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:19,800
Again about the phone.
I can't... Won't.

963
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:23,480
'It's my family, friends, my work!'
The officer gives me a look.

964
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:25,400
I know I am being difficult,

965
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:28,840
but he tells me a car
will take me to the Havens?

966
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:35,560
A forensic medical examination?
I have to tell him.

967
00:55:36,840 --> 00:55:39,560
'It might not come up with much
because I...

968
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:42,560
'I had a shower straight after.'

969
00:55:42,680 --> 00:55:44,680
Oh, my God!

970
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:49,680
I am a... I am a fucking idiot!

971
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:55,200
'I've had a shower.
I've washed everything away. I mean...

972
00:55:55,840 --> 00:55:59,840
'What if he says we did not have sex?
How can I prove...? No.

973
00:56:00,880 --> 00:56:04,880
'No. He's not that stupid. He would have
to admit to that fact, surely?

974
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:09,000
'He would just say... He would just say
that it was consensual sex, won't he?'

975
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:12,320
I look back at the officer.
He's chewing gum.

976
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:16,600
'Wait till he gets a bastard defence
barrister, they could say anything then.'

977
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:20,600
I tell him, 'Julian is a bastard
defence barrister.'

978
00:56:20,720 --> 00:56:23,160
He stops chewing, rolls his eyes.

979
00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:25,600
Looks at me
as if I've done it deliberately –

980
00:56:25,720 --> 00:56:28,200
picked the most challenging defendant.

981
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:34,600
I hear myself, small voice, I mention,
'I, too, am a defence barrister.'

982
00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:38,160
I don't know how to interpret
the look that I get.

983
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:41,200
Is it smug or is it genuinely sympathetic?

984
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:44,120
I can't read it, not now, flat voice.

985
00:56:44,240 --> 00:56:47,600
'Ah! Now you need us though, don't you?'

986
00:56:47,720 --> 00:56:49,280
'Sorry?'

987
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:53,040
Richard asks me a question.
Something about being ready? Calm?

988
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:57,000
I answer, but I don't, I can't,
I don't know what I said.

989
00:56:57,120 --> 00:57:01,560
Eyes on the table.
White plastic turning dirty cream.

990
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:05,800
Richard asks me if I'm sure about
refusing video evidence.

991
00:57:05,920 --> 00:57:09,840
'Yes. I want to look Julian
right in the eye.'

992
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:11,600
This is me,

993
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:15,920
waiting for the court to call the matter
with Julian's name on it.

994
00:57:16,040 --> 00:57:17,640
The Queen v Julian Brookes.

995
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:21,480
It's on the court list,
for every single person to see.

996
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:24,760
The Queen v Julian Brookes.

997
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:27,240
This is me,
knowing the jury are being empanelled.

998
00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:30,600
Courtroom 1.
Julian's barrister, his QC.

999
00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:33,680
He's probably hoping
for as few women as possible.

1000
00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:37,520
Talking strategy.
Julian in there, giving his opinion.

1001
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:41,880
Making sure he has the best possible
chance of being found not guilty.

1002
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:46,280
Me, I sit here,
waiting till I'm allowed in.

1003
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:48,840
Richard has to return to the courtroom.

1004
00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:51,680
He puts his hand on my shoulder.
I flinch.

1005
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:55,160
I can't help it.

1006
00:57:55,280 --> 00:58:00,560
Richard is talking to me, mouth moving.
'Is someone coming to be with you?'

1007
00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:02,520
'Mm-hm. Mm-hm.'

1008
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,080
Fuck!

1009
00:58:05,200 --> 00:58:07,040
I will not cry.

1010
00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:12,160
Hospital bed at the Havens.
The forensic medical examination.

1011
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:16,000
White gown, waiting for the nurse.

1012
00:58:16,120 --> 00:58:18,600
'Name, please?'
'Tessa Jane Ensler.'

1013
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,200
My phone beeps. A text.

1014
00:58:22,120 --> 00:58:26,280
Oh, my God. It's him. It's Julian!
'Date of birth?'

1015
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:30,880
'Where are you?
Don't tell me you've gone into work! J.

1016
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:34,040
'Kiss. Kiss.'
The phone feels contaminated.

1017
00:58:34,160 --> 00:58:37,560
I delete it.
Instantly regret deleting evidence.

1018
00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:41,920
What is wrong with me? I keep doing this!
I should have given the officer my phone.

1019
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:46,560
'Residential address?'
I go cold. He is still at my fucking flat.

1020
00:58:46,680 --> 00:58:50,840
I overcome my urge to throw the phone
to the ground, smash it to bits.

1021
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:52,280
It beeps again.

1022
00:58:57,480 --> 00:59:02,480
'PS, hope you're OK after everything?
I'm heading off home.'

1023
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:05,320
'After everything?' question mark.
I'm confused.

1024
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:08,880
'Blood pressure?' Is he worried
about himself? About what he did?

1025
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:12,440
'Temperature?'
This time, I am smart. I save the text.

1026
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:14,240
I even screenshot it.

1027
00:59:14,360 --> 00:59:18,840
It's 8:30 a.m. and a woman with gloves
is examining my vagina.

1028
00:59:18,960 --> 00:59:22,680
Photographs. Eyes on the ceiling.
Gritted teeth.

1029
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:27,720
And Julian is in my flat,
taking a shower in my bathroom?

1030
00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:29,800
Looking through my fridge?

1031
00:59:29,920 --> 00:59:32,760
Yesterday, I had imagined, hoped,

1032
00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:36,240
that we might be having breakfast together
this morning and...

1033
00:59:36,360 --> 00:59:40,160
What am I doing here?
I tell the nurse, 'I... I am not sure.'

1034
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,960
She stops. Stands.
The nurse says something kind.

1035
00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:46,680
I don't register it, she is done.
I will not cry.

1036
00:59:46,800 --> 00:59:49,920
She asks if I have somewhere to go,
someone to be with?

1037
00:59:50,040 --> 00:59:52,400
I... I don't know.

1038
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:55,960
I feel out of control.
What if I'm overreacting?

1039
00:59:56,080 --> 00:59:58,000
I am not. I am not.

1040
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:01,400
But am I? I know Julian.
I have known him for years.

1041
01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:04,120
'This is not love.'

1042
01:00:05,920 --> 01:00:09,800
'Are they going to arrest him now?'
The nurse is not sure.

1043
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:12,320
She asks if I want to speak
to a social worker.

1044
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:16,440
'No. No, thank you. Can I just leave?'
The nurse calls the police officer in.

1045
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:19,760
The big officer says he'll take
the forensic evidence with him.

1046
01:00:19,880 --> 01:00:21,880
He'll be in touch, but I...

1047
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:26,280
'Are you going to arrest him?'

1048
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:30,240
'Yes. Unless...
Do you want us to arrest him?'

1049
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:32,880
I can't say yes and I can't say no,

1050
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:35,280
but he can't just get away with it,
can he?

1051
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:37,360
Pretend it didn't happen?

1052
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:41,040
I want him to know what he did.
I don't want a text asking if I'm OK.

1053
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:45,080
I am not fucking OK.
I am not OK.

1054
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,720
'Will you be willing
to give evidence in court?

1055
01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:51,480
'I don't want to discourage you from
moving forward, but it will be tough.'

1056
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:55,320
Then he says, 'The Crown
Prosecution Service will decide

1057
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:58,320
'if the case is good enough
to go to trial.'

1058
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:03,960
I know this, of course I know it,
but it is like a slap.

1059
01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:06,320
I don't get to decide. No.

1060
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:11,120
No, my life is in the hands of the police,
the CPS, the court system.

1061
01:01:11,240 --> 01:01:13,040
I have no control.

1062
01:01:13,160 --> 01:01:18,200
So much at stake –
my privacy, my family, my friends.

1063
01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:20,400
[CRYING] Everything. I am scared.

1064
01:01:26,080 --> 01:01:28,640
[STEADYING HER BREATH]

1065
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:35,080
But there is this person inside of me,

1066
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:39,080
that girl who fought
and fought to be seen.

1067
01:01:39,200 --> 01:01:43,440
Look to your left, look to your right,
who won't make it?

1068
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:48,040
She is brave, and if I do nothing, I...

1069
01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:52,600
..I think I could lose her.

1070
01:01:55,480 --> 01:01:58,840
'Yes. Yes, I will give evidence in court.'

1071
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:01,120
My mum arrives.

1072
01:02:01,240 --> 01:02:03,400
Sensible pants, sensible shoes.

1073
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:07,640
Clutching her straw bag,
the one I gave her for her birthday.

1074
01:02:07,760 --> 01:02:09,680
It's a beach bag!

1075
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:13,960
I told her, 'Pop your sunscreen
and your towels in it and off you go.'

1076
01:02:14,080 --> 01:02:16,600
[MIMICS] 'When do I have time
to go to the beach?'

1077
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,240
Fa-ail!

1078
01:02:18,360 --> 01:02:22,840
She looks so afraid,
and she is here because of me.

1079
01:02:22,960 --> 01:02:25,680
I mean, everything feels like
my fault these days.

1080
01:02:25,800 --> 01:02:30,200
After 782 days,
I cannot stop all the voices.

1081
01:02:30,320 --> 01:02:33,320
'You fucked a guy on a sofa in work.'

1082
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:38,080
'You invite him back to your home.'
'You're so drunk you even vomit.'

1083
01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:40,440
Berating myself.

1084
01:02:40,560 --> 01:02:44,160
'You didn't scream or kick enough,
you just froze.

1085
01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:48,840
'In the middle of it all, you just froze.
What is wrong with you?

1086
01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:51,080
'No. You're pathetic.

1087
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:53,640
'You let him sleep in your bed
after he'd done that to you,

1088
01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:56,120
'while you cried in the shower?

1089
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:59,600
'Julian, he is a good barrister,
he does lots of pro bono work,

1090
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:02,000
'what are you doing to him?

1091
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:05,840
'What if he really thought
you were consenting?'

1092
01:03:05,960 --> 01:03:10,000
I dig into my thighs with my nails,
make myself feel the pain.

1093
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:13,200
'Come on, Tess, remember.

1094
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:17,120
'The law says...
It says you cannot do this to a woman.

1095
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:21,000
'You can't hold her down,
keep her trapped while you...

1096
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:25,200
'..you push,
you... push yourself inside of her.

1097
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:29,360
'You can't rape and then pretend
it was consensual, can you, Mum?'

1098
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:33,480
She hands me a sandwich.
Strawberry jam?!

1099
01:03:33,600 --> 01:03:37,440
Me stomach can't take it,
but she looks so worried.

1100
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:40,960
She looks so old now.

1101
01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:44,600
Deep bags under her eyes.

1102
01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:46,400
Silence.

1103
01:03:46,520 --> 01:03:48,200
Chew white bread.

1104
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:52,560
The overly sweet taste of... [SNIFFS]
..strawberry and butter.

1105
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:55,080
She gets up...

1106
01:03:59,920 --> 01:04:03,000
..and she completely engulfs me

1107
01:04:03,120 --> 01:04:05,480
in this gruff hug.

1108
01:04:05,600 --> 01:04:10,120
'Be your strong self!
Don't let the bastards get you down!

1109
01:04:10,240 --> 01:04:15,720
'Even if they get away with it,
you don't let them ruin our Tessa.'

1110
01:04:17,360 --> 01:04:18,800
Mm-hm.

1111
01:04:19,640 --> 01:04:21,120
Mm-hm.

1112
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,080
I won't cry, I won't.

1113
01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:25,320
I won't.

1114
01:04:27,600 --> 01:04:30,320
The trial is set down for just three days.

1115
01:04:30,920 --> 01:04:33,320
It's only me giving evidence, not Julian.

1116
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:37,160
Today, Julian is pleading not guilty.

1117
01:04:37,280 --> 01:04:40,120
He won't admit what he did,
but I know he knows.

1118
01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:44,320
I mean, I know he must know.
He's not stupid.

1119
01:04:44,440 --> 01:04:46,160
He's just convinced himself

1120
01:04:46,280 --> 01:04:49,720
and all the people he asked
to write letters of support for him,

1121
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:51,960
people I know.

1122
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:54,240
He's convinced himself and them

1123
01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:58,040
that I'm a liar
and I am doing this to destroy him.

1124
01:04:58,160 --> 01:05:02,560
He has convinced himself
that he is the victim.

1125
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:09,360
While me, I'm forced to say the words,
relive it all in front of everyone.

1126
01:05:09,480 --> 01:05:13,360
Why? How can he sit there
and not be cross-examined?

1127
01:05:13,480 --> 01:05:16,560
He did this to me.
I am the one on trial.

1128
01:05:16,680 --> 01:05:18,360
Mum's face.

1129
01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:23,840
I can't help thinking she knows
what it is to be violated somehow.

1130
01:05:25,720 --> 01:05:27,840
I will never ask.

1131
01:05:29,320 --> 01:05:31,920
White bread is in lumps in my throat.

1132
01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:34,560
Swallowing is hard. Richard appears.

1133
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:39,360
'We have a jury? How many women?'
'Four.'

1134
01:05:39,480 --> 01:05:41,480
'Is that good?' me mum asks.

1135
01:05:41,600 --> 01:05:43,240
I don't know.

1136
01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:46,040
I mean, women can be just as bad
at believing other women.

1137
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:48,200
Why is that, eh?

1138
01:05:48,320 --> 01:05:50,000
Why is that?

1139
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,400
Me mum goes off to find the loo.

1140
01:05:52,520 --> 01:05:54,520
I'm alone again.

1141
01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:56,480
Mia, I need her.

1142
01:05:56,600 --> 01:06:00,600
I get out my phone.
I scroll through this morning's text.

1143
01:06:00,720 --> 01:06:03,000
She's doing Shakespeare.

1144
01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:05,200
On a cruise ship?

1145
01:06:05,320 --> 01:06:08,960
I feel stronger.
Mia is on team Tessa.

1146
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:11,320
Richard, he is in the courtroom.

1147
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:13,400
Once he gives
the prosecution opening address,

1148
01:06:13,520 --> 01:06:15,360
I will be called in as the first witness.

1149
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,880
Julian in there able to hear everything.

1150
01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:20,560
The opening.

1151
01:06:20,680 --> 01:06:24,040
I mean, sitting back knowing
he will not have to say a word.

1152
01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:28,320
I... I psyche myself up
for what's to come.

1153
01:06:30,360 --> 01:06:32,360
I get out my mirror,

1154
01:06:32,480 --> 01:06:33,880
fix my make-up.

1155
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:37,120
My outfit, it's chosen
from my lawyer's wardrobe. Yeah.

1156
01:06:37,240 --> 01:06:41,760
It's a perfect blend of 'I am a...
'I am a strong woman!

1157
01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:44,560
'I am not ashamed and I am not a slut.'

1158
01:06:44,680 --> 01:06:47,200
My mum comes in
just as a police officer enters –

1159
01:06:47,320 --> 01:06:50,960
a young woman, so tiny in her uniform,
baton in her holster.

1160
01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:52,720
'They're calling for you now, Tessa.'

1161
01:06:52,840 --> 01:06:55,520
'Can you take my mum with you?'

1162
01:06:55,640 --> 01:06:58,160
She nods, she takes my mum's arm.

1163
01:06:58,280 --> 01:07:00,920
but before she leaves,
she turns at the door,

1164
01:07:01,040 --> 01:07:03,880
squeezes my upper arm like a friend...

1165
01:07:08,680 --> 01:07:10,360
A sister.

1166
01:07:14,840 --> 01:07:16,760
This is me.

1167
01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:20,960
Walking into the courtroom

1168
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:22,960
to give my evidence.

1169
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:25,560
This is me.

1170
01:07:25,680 --> 01:07:28,400
Bowing to the judge,

1171
01:07:28,520 --> 01:07:32,880
as I make my way in
and up to the witness stand.

1172
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:36,120
This is me.

1173
01:07:36,240 --> 01:07:39,280
Standing in the witness box

1174
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:42,200
as the words coming out
of my mouth declare

1175
01:07:42,320 --> 01:07:44,840
'that the evidence I shall give
shall be the truth,

1176
01:07:44,960 --> 01:07:47,280
'the whole truth
and nothing but the truth.'

1177
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:50,000
The air is still. I look up.

1178
01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:54,560
Julian's dad with his mum and brother
seated up front in the gallery.

1179
01:07:54,680 --> 01:07:56,920
How they hate me.

1180
01:07:57,040 --> 01:07:59,320
I turn, look at Julian,

1181
01:07:59,440 --> 01:08:01,320
suited-up, seated in the dock.

1182
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:04,280
A QC and a junior at the starting gate.

1183
01:08:04,400 --> 01:08:06,960
Julian looks right back at me.

1184
01:08:07,080 --> 01:08:09,920
It feels like he is going to mouth
'I'm sorry,'

1185
01:08:10,040 --> 01:08:12,360
but instead, almost imperceptible,

1186
01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:15,240
a shaking of his head saying,
'What have you done?'

1187
01:08:15,360 --> 01:08:19,320
I look at the jury.
They will be the ones, these strangers.

1188
01:08:19,440 --> 01:08:22,760
I look at the judge.
He's looking at a file on his laptop.

1189
01:08:22,880 --> 01:08:26,680
Bar table, bench. Panic.
All the barristers are men!

1190
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:29,360
The judge, the judge's clerk,

1191
01:08:29,480 --> 01:08:33,520
the prosecuting counsel,
the police, the instructing solicitor.

1192
01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:37,360
I am the only woman.
Even the court usher is a man!

1193
01:08:37,480 --> 01:08:40,960
I am the only one – the only woman.

1194
01:08:41,080 --> 01:08:43,480
I can feel my heart thumping,

1195
01:08:43,600 --> 01:08:46,560
the blood actually rushing through me.

1196
01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:52,560
And after 782 days,
after being asked over and over again,

1197
01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:55,560
'Are you sure
you want to go through with this?'

1198
01:08:55,680 --> 01:08:59,280
After all the snide
and embarrassed looks at work,

1199
01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:01,360
the doubts people have expressed about me,

1200
01:09:01,480 --> 01:09:06,320
the statements, the rape kit,
the ongoing scouring of my own body,

1201
01:09:06,440 --> 01:09:11,320
the nightmares, the vomiting,
the digging into my own flesh,

1202
01:09:11,440 --> 01:09:13,720
I am here. I am right here.

1203
01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:16,520
And the system I dedicated my life to,

1204
01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:20,000
it's called upon, by me,
to find the truth,

1205
01:09:20,120 --> 01:09:21,840
to provide justice.

1206
01:09:21,960 --> 01:09:25,000
The prosecutor, Richard,
stands to start the prosecution case.

1207
01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:28,680
Twice, I've seen Julian. The first...

1208
01:09:30,440 --> 01:09:33,000
The first time,

1209
01:09:33,120 --> 01:09:34,960
the police,

1210
01:09:35,080 --> 01:09:38,000
well, they hadn't...
they hadn't arrested him yet.

1211
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:40,680
They called, they said it was imminent,

1212
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:43,880
but they wouldn't do it in his workplace.
Right!

1213
01:09:44,000 --> 01:09:46,200
'It's an interesting case, though.

1214
01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,800
'Two defence barristers
fighting it out in court!'

1215
01:09:48,920 --> 01:09:52,760
was an interesting concept
for the Crown Prosecution Service.

1216
01:09:52,880 --> 01:09:56,080
The horrible humour in it for them all.
The CPS.

1217
01:09:56,200 --> 01:09:58,800
They all knew me before.
Before.

1218
01:09:58,920 --> 01:10:01,320
Always on the other side, before.

1219
01:10:02,120 --> 01:10:05,040
I tried to prep my brief on Sunday.
Tired, weepy.

1220
01:10:05,160 --> 01:10:07,640
I could not concentrate. Slept badly.

1221
01:10:07,760 --> 01:10:10,320
And then Monday, catch the train in.

1222
01:10:10,440 --> 01:10:13,200
I'm standing across the street
from chambers.

1223
01:10:13,320 --> 01:10:16,720
Knees weak, head spinning.
I sit down on some steps.

1224
01:10:16,840 --> 01:10:19,520
I call Alice,
ask her to meet me across the street.

1225
01:10:19,640 --> 01:10:21,240
I'm hyperventilating.

1226
01:10:21,360 --> 01:10:25,640
I ask her to run my case that day,
I tell her I have a virus.

1227
01:10:25,760 --> 01:10:28,840
She puts me in a cab home.
I'm terrified.

1228
01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:33,480
How will I ever go back to chambers
to work with Julian there?

1229
01:10:33,600 --> 01:10:36,640
I finally... I finally... I call my mum.

1230
01:10:36,760 --> 01:10:39,280
She's not happy to hear from me,
she's at work.

1231
01:10:39,400 --> 01:10:41,760
But I tell her,

1232
01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:45,480
and within a couple of hours,
she is at my place.

1233
01:10:45,600 --> 01:10:49,640
I tell her what happened
in as little detail as possible.

1234
01:10:49,760 --> 01:10:52,520
She doesn't seem shocked or desperate.

1235
01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:55,680
She does seem filled with a fury
she is trying to control.

1236
01:10:55,800 --> 01:10:59,320
I tell her, 'Don't tell my brother, Mum.
We both know why.'

1237
01:10:59,440 --> 01:11:01,240
She is very clear with me.

1238
01:11:01,360 --> 01:11:05,360
'You go back to work. You do not let this
ruin everything you've worked for.

1239
01:11:05,480 --> 01:11:08,240
'This is your job,
your income, your career.'

1240
01:11:08,360 --> 01:11:11,440
I...
I try again on Tuesday.

1241
01:11:11,560 --> 01:11:15,320
I manage to make it inside chambers.
Everyone is busy.

1242
01:11:15,440 --> 01:11:18,200
I head to the photocopier,
and I smack bang run into him.

1243
01:11:18,320 --> 01:11:21,760
'Hey.'
He's searching my face for something.

1244
01:11:21,880 --> 01:11:25,280
'Are we good?'
I guess my look says, 'Nah!'

1245
01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:29,160
'Look, Tess,
I'm sorry if I've upset you somehow.

1246
01:11:29,280 --> 01:11:33,800
'Let me take you for lunch this week.'
I want to say something, but I am just...

1247
01:11:33,920 --> 01:11:39,160
He hesitates. 'Look, I can barely
remember, I drank so much.'

1248
01:11:39,280 --> 01:11:42,240
He waits, then, 'Well, we both did.'

1249
01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:45,840
We could put it down to that and this
whole thing would go away, wouldn't it?

1250
01:11:45,960 --> 01:11:50,920
Yeah. Couldn't I just put this down
to a really bad drunken sex night?

1251
01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:54,760
'Anyway, I'm sorry
if I've upset you somehow.'

1252
01:11:54,880 --> 01:11:58,560
My voice is screaming,
but only inside my head.

1253
01:11:58,680 --> 01:12:00,760
Upset me? Somehow? You...

1254
01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:03,400
You raped me.

1255
01:12:03,520 --> 01:12:05,640
You held me down and you...

1256
01:12:05,760 --> 01:12:10,680
Suddenly, Alice is upon us,
and then I am photocopying.

1257
01:12:10,800 --> 01:12:15,880
Later that day, I grab a coffee
with the QC I ran into on Friday.

1258
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:18,360
He tells me all the attributes
of his chambers,

1259
01:12:18,480 --> 01:12:21,280
the amazing barristers
I would be working with.

1260
01:12:21,400 --> 01:12:24,160
I tell him I would be delighted
to take it. We shake hands.

1261
01:12:24,280 --> 01:12:29,040
I tell myself I will just work harder
to cover the cost of the new chambers.

1262
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:34,840
The second time I have to face Julian
is... is after he's been arrested.

1263
01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:37,080
It's an afternoon court foyer.

1264
01:12:37,200 --> 01:12:41,080
I know I should just walk past him,
we are not supposed to speak.

1265
01:12:41,200 --> 01:12:45,520
But stupidly, my eyes look right at him.
I freeze.

1266
01:12:45,640 --> 01:12:49,640
'How could you do this to me?'
He... He is convincing.

1267
01:12:49,760 --> 01:12:51,840
'I really like you, Tess.

1268
01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,960
'I mean, I was hoping
we'd find something special together.

1269
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:58,040
'I held your hair while you vomited,
for Christ's sake.

1270
01:12:58,160 --> 01:13:02,120
'But this, what you've said,
are you out of your fucking mind?'

1271
01:13:02,240 --> 01:13:04,960
I look him in the face,
'You know what happened.'

1272
01:13:05,080 --> 01:13:08,520
'Whatever it was, I am not a criminal.
This is not who I am.

1273
01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:11,280
'And, my God, you are not a victim!

1274
01:13:11,400 --> 01:13:13,680
'You know if you continue
to go through with this,

1275
01:13:13,800 --> 01:13:15,880
'you're going to destroy my career.

1276
01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:18,280
'You do realise that, don't you?'

1277
01:13:18,400 --> 01:13:21,560
He walks away.
I consider telling the police.

1278
01:13:21,680 --> 01:13:25,200
He spoke to me, he breached
his bail conditions, but I...

1279
01:13:25,320 --> 01:13:28,520
I'm not allowed to speak to him either.

1280
01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:31,240
I go to the bathroom.

1281
01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:35,000
I lock the door.
I'm in there for a long time.

1282
01:13:35,120 --> 01:13:37,800
I vomit and I wash my face,

1283
01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:40,320
and I cry and I cry and I cry.

1284
01:13:41,240 --> 01:13:43,080
Richard clears his throat,

1285
01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:45,560
gives me a sympathetic smile,

1286
01:13:45,680 --> 01:13:48,360
and then he is all professional.

1287
01:13:48,480 --> 01:13:51,680
'Can you tell the court
your name and occupation?'

1288
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:54,000
I won't take my eyes off him.

1289
01:13:54,120 --> 01:13:57,120
'In your own words,
can you please tell the court

1290
01:13:57,240 --> 01:14:00,480
'about the first night you spent
with Julian Brookes?'

1291
01:14:00,600 --> 01:14:03,360
As I speak about
the first night in chambers,

1292
01:14:03,480 --> 01:14:05,040
I hear a snicker.

1293
01:14:05,160 --> 01:14:08,120
I involuntarily dart my eyes out
to seek who it is.

1294
01:14:08,240 --> 01:14:10,760
There are extra people in the gallery,
Julian's friends.

1295
01:14:10,880 --> 01:14:16,080
Old school buddies? Uni mates?
They all look the same.

1296
01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:19,520
This is them showing support
for one of their own.

1297
01:14:19,640 --> 01:14:22,400
'And after the vodka
in Mr Brookes' office?'

1298
01:14:23,560 --> 01:14:29,960
My mum hears how her daughter had sex
with a man in an office on his sofa.

1299
01:14:30,080 --> 01:14:33,160
I cringe when I'm asked the detail,
catch her face.

1300
01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:36,280
Her look doesn't change in any way.

1301
01:14:36,400 --> 01:14:38,160
'Turning to the night in question,

1302
01:14:38,280 --> 01:14:41,640
'can you please tell the court,
in your own words, what happened?'

1303
01:14:41,760 --> 01:14:45,800
I look at the jury, a man seated
in the middle. I feel anxious.

1304
01:14:45,920 --> 01:14:49,240
A woman juror is looking at me,
I avoid her eye.

1305
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,520
I don't want to do anything
that suggests manipulation.

1306
01:14:52,640 --> 01:14:54,360
I speak.

1307
01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:59,920
Japanese, gelato, Uber, my place, wine.
Having sex earlier in the night.

1308
01:15:00,040 --> 01:15:04,080
'And then?' I... I have to speak about
the vomiting in the bathroom.

1309
01:15:04,200 --> 01:15:06,800
Was I naked?
How long was I there?

1310
01:15:06,920 --> 01:15:10,120
Julian carefully carrying me
back to the bed.

1311
01:15:10,240 --> 01:15:14,720
And it occurs to me in this moment,
in court, as I am answering this question,

1312
01:15:14,840 --> 01:15:19,000
that Julian carefully carrying me
back to the bed

1313
01:15:19,120 --> 01:15:21,800
means he wasn't too drunk
that he could not remember.

1314
01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:25,360
He has lied to me about being so drunk.

1315
01:15:25,480 --> 01:15:28,080
He was able to lift me
and walk steadily back.

1316
01:15:28,200 --> 01:15:32,320
He didn't fall or stumble.
He knew what he was doing, but...

1317
01:15:34,760 --> 01:15:37,200
This will be used against me. Yeah.

1318
01:15:37,320 --> 01:15:42,320
They will say I was the only drunk one in
this story, so I am the less reliable one.

1319
01:15:42,440 --> 01:15:46,760
I answer the questions aloud.
In my head, I am cross-examining myself.

1320
01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:50,760
I'm using my own defence skills
to doubt my very own story.

1321
01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:56,000
I realise I've been doing this
for two years and 52 days.

1322
01:15:56,120 --> 01:16:01,040
Finding fault in my story.
Trapped again and again and again.

1323
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:03,920
Dig my nails into my palms.

1324
01:16:04,040 --> 01:16:08,360
I will not freeze up this time.
I will not question my memory.

1325
01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:11,280
I will not minimise what's happened.
I will not embellish.

1326
01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:13,920
I know what happened that night.

1327
01:16:14,040 --> 01:16:18,240
Then Richard. The rape.
'Explain where each of your limbs were.'

1328
01:16:18,360 --> 01:16:22,680
I try to explain to Richard,
but I'm not as clear as I need to be.

1329
01:16:22,800 --> 01:16:26,640
'Can you tell the court
what you were thinking at the time?'

1330
01:16:26,760 --> 01:16:30,520
How I didn't want this. Felt trapped.
I could not move properly.

1331
01:16:30,640 --> 01:16:35,920
'Did you make it clear to Mr Brookes
that you were not consenting to sex?'

1332
01:16:36,040 --> 01:16:40,760
'Yes. I did. I said, "No. Stop."
I tried to push him away.' Didn't I?

1333
01:16:40,880 --> 01:16:44,480
'Did you say anything else? Scream?'

1334
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:48,720
'Yes. Yes, I tried to,
but his hand was over my mouth.'

1335
01:16:48,840 --> 01:16:50,880
'Then what?'

1336
01:16:51,000 --> 01:16:55,920
'Er... I could hardly breathe, I froze.

1337
01:16:56,040 --> 01:17:00,480
'Then pain searing through my body.
Shock. Dissociation.'

1338
01:17:00,600 --> 01:17:04,200
It's happening even now.
More questions. More details.

1339
01:17:04,320 --> 01:17:06,240
More humiliation.

1340
01:17:06,360 --> 01:17:10,120
This is me,
giving my testimony in court.

1341
01:17:10,240 --> 01:17:12,120
Final question from Richard.

1342
01:17:12,240 --> 01:17:17,040
He sits down, smiles at me, pleased with
the examination-in-chief. It's gone well.

1343
01:17:18,160 --> 01:17:20,040
I'm alone again.

1344
01:17:20,160 --> 01:17:21,520
Waiting.

1345
01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:26,200
Fingers jittery.
Hands, armpits, I mean, shins sweating.

1346
01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:30,840
I look up. I see Alice and Adam
at the back of the courtroom.

1347
01:17:30,960 --> 01:17:32,880
Adam has a beard now.

1348
01:17:33,000 --> 01:17:35,840
It's been so long since I've been
in touch with either of them.

1349
01:17:35,960 --> 01:17:38,640
I've been working at the new chambers
for over two years now.

1350
01:17:38,760 --> 01:17:41,240
I have managed to avoid all of them.

1351
01:17:41,360 --> 01:17:45,440
Adam, he wrote me an email
telling me he believed me.

1352
01:17:45,560 --> 01:17:49,000
He intimated that Julian
had had another experience,

1353
01:17:49,120 --> 01:17:51,760
not as serious, but...

1354
01:17:51,880 --> 01:17:54,240
Not admissible, it was hearsay.

1355
01:17:55,200 --> 01:17:58,320
Wrote that if I needed him,
I should just call.

1356
01:17:58,440 --> 01:18:02,360
I never did. Why?
Why didn't I reach out to Adam?

1357
01:18:02,480 --> 01:18:05,000
Was I ashamed? Yes.

1358
01:18:05,120 --> 01:18:07,920
Check Mum.
She hasn't moved a muscle.

1359
01:18:08,040 --> 01:18:12,720
Beach bag clutched on her lap,
young officer by her side.

1360
01:18:12,840 --> 01:18:14,600
Waiting.

1361
01:18:14,720 --> 01:18:16,840
And I know, more than anyone,

1362
01:18:16,960 --> 01:18:20,760
this next part,
it is where the real work is done.

1363
01:18:20,880 --> 01:18:25,240
Take a sip from a glass of water
on my left, hand shaking.

1364
01:18:25,360 --> 01:18:28,120
The defence counsel stands slowly.

1365
01:18:28,960 --> 01:18:35,320
This is it – the cross-examination
by the best QC money can buy.

1366
01:18:36,560 --> 01:18:38,360
Thoroughbred.

1367
01:18:38,480 --> 01:18:41,000
And... bang!

1368
01:18:41,600 --> 01:18:43,160
'Yes. Yes. No.'

1369
01:18:43,280 --> 01:18:47,120
'No. I think so.
No, it was the second time. Yes.'

1370
01:18:47,240 --> 01:18:49,120
'I think so. Sorry?'

1371
01:18:49,240 --> 01:18:52,040
'No. Yes, I'm sure. I don't know.'

1372
01:18:52,160 --> 01:18:54,600
'Maybe my idea. I think so.'

1373
01:18:54,720 --> 01:18:58,240
'Do I agree? Yes. Yes, yes. A few.'

1374
01:18:58,360 --> 01:19:03,200
'Quite a few, yes. Six.
Well, perhaps, yes, maybe eight.'

1375
01:19:03,320 --> 01:19:05,040
Richard is on his feet. 'Your Honour!'

1376
01:19:05,160 --> 01:19:07,280
I have already given evidence
about blah, blah, blah.

1377
01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:09,320
I feel hot.
'Overruled.'

1378
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,080
'Yes. Yes.'

1379
01:19:11,200 --> 01:19:13,320
'Um... I don't remember. No.'

1380
01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:15,840
'I don't know. I vomited.'

1381
01:19:15,960 --> 01:19:19,120
'I don't know for sure.
I don't understand.'

1382
01:19:19,240 --> 01:19:21,080
'I don't know.'
'Yes, I was.'

1383
01:19:21,200 --> 01:19:23,080
'Yes, I did like him at the time.

1384
01:19:23,200 --> 01:19:26,680
'I only told two friends, Mia and Alice.'

1385
01:19:26,800 --> 01:19:29,400
'I'm not sure, I don't know.'
'Yes. Yes. I think so.'

1386
01:19:29,520 --> 01:19:31,560
Richard is on his feet again,
I don't follow.

1387
01:19:31,680 --> 01:19:36,000
Richard looks worried,
my throat feels dry. Then it's me again.

1388
01:19:36,120 --> 01:19:40,040
'No. No, I think I could have
walked back to the bed. No.'

1389
01:19:40,160 --> 01:19:43,240
'Well, I know because I walked
to the shower after the...'

1390
01:19:43,360 --> 01:19:47,000
Richard is saying something. Sits down.
QC is back to me.

1391
01:19:47,120 --> 01:19:49,960
'Yes. Yes, I liked him then...'
But I'm cut off.

1392
01:19:50,080 --> 01:19:52,800
'I don't know.'
Weird pause.

1393
01:19:52,920 --> 01:19:56,320
They haven't made their major defence
arguments but I can feel them coming.

1394
01:19:56,440 --> 01:19:58,920
Richard is in the dark as much as I am.

1395
01:19:59,040 --> 01:20:02,040
I go from Richard's face
to the QC's face to Richard's face.

1396
01:20:02,160 --> 01:20:06,680
And when the first of their points arrive,
I am dumbstruck.

1397
01:20:06,800 --> 01:20:09,400
'Sorry, what are you saying? No.
No, no, no.

1398
01:20:09,520 --> 01:20:12,440
'I don't understand the question. No.'

1399
01:20:12,560 --> 01:20:16,800
'No, it was not my hand on my mouth.
What, my own hand? No.

1400
01:20:16,920 --> 01:20:21,880
'It was Julian's hand. My breath? Yes.
I might have touched my own mouth, yes.'

1401
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:26,120
'But no. No, no. That's not what happened.
I didn't want to have sex. I felt sick.'

1402
01:20:26,240 --> 01:20:27,640
'No, you're wrong.

1403
01:20:27,760 --> 01:20:29,800
'I didn't want to have sex
because I felt awful,

1404
01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:34,920
'not just because my breath was sour from
vomiting. No. I remember it very well.'

1405
01:20:35,040 --> 01:20:36,960
'Yes, but... What? No. No.

1406
01:20:37,080 --> 01:20:41,520
'No, I did not put my hand on my mouth
to protect Julian from my sour breath.

1407
01:20:41,640 --> 01:20:43,000
'No, I... That's not what... No.'

1408
01:20:43,120 --> 01:20:46,920
But then all these questions
about Julian's arms, his hands.

1409
01:20:47,040 --> 01:20:49,680
Which one was holding down
which of my wrists?

1410
01:20:49,800 --> 01:20:55,120
I realise they're trying to say that if
Julian had one hand on each of my wrists,

1411
01:20:55,240 --> 01:20:57,800
then he had no extra hand
to cover my mouth.

1412
01:20:57,920 --> 01:20:59,400
So, I was mistaken.

1413
01:20:59,520 --> 01:21:02,160
I wasn't actually pinned down
and, of course, I could breathe.

1414
01:21:02,280 --> 01:21:04,840
In fact, the hand on my mouth
must have been mine,

1415
01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:08,320
just saving Julian
from my bad vomit breath.

1416
01:21:08,440 --> 01:21:11,880
The QC is saying,
if it was my own hand on my own mouth,

1417
01:21:12,000 --> 01:21:15,920
as he suggests, then I could have
used it to push Julian away.

1418
01:21:16,040 --> 01:21:20,160
Or I could have removed my own hand
from my own mouth and just screamed.

1419
01:21:20,280 --> 01:21:23,280
My mind is messy. I can't catch up.
'No. No.'

1420
01:21:23,400 --> 01:21:28,520
'No. I tried to get away.
I told him, I said no. I struggled.

1421
01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:31,640
'It was...
It was his hand on my mouth.'

1422
01:21:31,760 --> 01:21:36,720
'How? Yes, yes. Yes, I did.
Yes. Yes. I think that's how.

1423
01:21:36,840 --> 01:21:41,360
'I tried to push him as best as I could,
but he was... No. No.

1424
01:21:41,480 --> 01:21:44,800
'No, he was squashing me.'
My mind is scrambled.

1425
01:21:44,920 --> 01:21:47,600
I can feel a terrible wrong
being done to me right now,

1426
01:21:47,720 --> 01:21:50,720
that this line of questioning,
it's making me look confused.

1427
01:21:50,840 --> 01:21:54,680
Because I am, I am really confused.

1428
01:21:54,800 --> 01:21:58,160
Julian told his lawyer,
or did the QC think it was a better story

1429
01:21:58,280 --> 01:22:01,320
that I put my own hand on my own mouth
and therefore, what?

1430
01:22:01,440 --> 01:22:04,640
I was the only one stopping myself
from screaming or speaking,

1431
01:22:04,760 --> 01:22:07,680
and I could have taken it away
at any stage

1432
01:22:07,800 --> 01:22:10,280
to... to speak up or push him away.

1433
01:22:10,400 --> 01:22:15,000
The QC is saying that it's my own hand
and my own mouth. 'As if it were a game.'

1434
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:16,720
'A game?'

1435
01:22:16,840 --> 01:22:21,000
'Like the game of sex at chambers.'
That's what Julian said? A game.

1436
01:22:21,120 --> 01:22:23,040
I look around briefly.

1437
01:22:23,160 --> 01:22:25,000
Thinking. Thinking.

1438
01:22:25,120 --> 01:22:28,080
I see Adam.
I feel like I'm gonna pass out.

1439
01:22:28,200 --> 01:22:31,680
Adam is willing me to remember.
He knows I am stuck.

1440
01:22:31,800 --> 01:22:34,480
And I... I remember!

1441
01:22:35,400 --> 01:22:38,120
Right there in court, I remember!

1442
01:22:38,240 --> 01:22:44,160
I say, 'Julian, he had both of my wrists
in one of his hands,

1443
01:22:44,280 --> 01:22:46,120
'pulled high above my head.

1444
01:22:46,240 --> 01:22:49,280
'Then his other hand,
it was over my mouth and nose as well.

1445
01:22:49,400 --> 01:22:52,160
'I could barely breathe.'
I am shaking.

1446
01:22:52,280 --> 01:22:57,000
My eyes on Julian now.
How dare you? How dare you?

1447
01:22:57,120 --> 01:23:00,440
And why am I up here
being made to look like a liar?

1448
01:23:03,560 --> 01:23:05,800
Julian won't meet my eye.

1449
01:23:07,120 --> 01:23:09,880
He looks over to his family.

1450
01:23:10,000 --> 01:23:12,480
His father gives him a confident nod.

1451
01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:16,120
The QC apologises to me
for making me uncomfortable.

1452
01:23:17,760 --> 01:23:20,080
He's being nice to me now,

1453
01:23:20,200 --> 01:23:24,800
and like every victim I have
cross-examined before, I fall for it.

1454
01:23:24,920 --> 01:23:27,240
I ache for niceness.

1455
01:23:27,360 --> 01:23:30,880
I feel so broken I want to go with him,
just to get it over with.

1456
01:23:31,000 --> 01:23:32,760
I want to be reeled in.

1457
01:23:32,880 --> 01:23:35,520
The questions start again.
First, compassion.

1458
01:23:35,640 --> 01:23:39,320
'I understand it was a terribly difficult
and confusing night for you.

1459
01:23:39,440 --> 01:23:42,520
'You were ill.'
I sway a bit. Then flattery.

1460
01:23:42,640 --> 01:23:45,200
The QC suggests that I'm a top barrister,

1461
01:23:45,320 --> 01:23:48,040
a woman other people speak of
in such high terms.

1462
01:23:48,160 --> 01:23:50,120
'A barrister who is seen to be easily

1463
01:23:50,240 --> 01:23:53,160
'the smartest of her bar call,
of her generation.'

1464
01:23:53,280 --> 01:23:57,040
This... This is going somewhere awful,
I feel it.

1465
01:23:57,160 --> 01:23:59,280
He brings up my new room.

1466
01:23:59,400 --> 01:24:02,600
Calls it a larger, more prestigious room.
What?

1467
01:24:02,720 --> 01:24:06,120
Says it was between Julian and myself
who would get that room.

1468
01:24:06,240 --> 01:24:10,400
Has the shortlist in his hands right now.
'It only has two names on it.'

1469
01:24:10,520 --> 01:24:14,400
Mine and Julian's. I've never seen
this list, I never knew this.

1470
01:24:14,520 --> 01:24:16,440
Was there a question?

1471
01:24:16,560 --> 01:24:19,680
'My name, it might be on that list,
but I... I never applied for that room.'

1472
01:24:19,800 --> 01:24:24,000
I go on. Even though the QC is intimating
he doesn't need me to, I speak over him.

1473
01:24:24,120 --> 01:24:26,520
'I never applied for that room.

1474
01:24:26,640 --> 01:24:29,240
'I never saw any reason
to have such a large room

1475
01:24:29,360 --> 01:24:33,680
'when my old room, it had more space in it
than I've ever had in my entire life.'

1476
01:24:33,800 --> 01:24:37,640
I notice the tiniest moment
when the QC does a mental shift.

1477
01:24:37,760 --> 01:24:40,800
He assumed, as a successful barrister,

1478
01:24:40,920 --> 01:24:44,800
that I wanted the larger room,
the more prestigious chambers at any cost.

1479
01:24:44,920 --> 01:24:48,960
Jury members shift in their seats.
They understand.

1480
01:24:49,080 --> 01:24:52,080
'Don't ever trust
your own instincts, sir,' I want to say.

1481
01:24:52,200 --> 01:24:55,600
'Day one law school.
Only trust your legal instincts.'

1482
01:24:55,720 --> 01:24:58,720
He computes. His voice almost a snarl.

1483
01:24:58,840 --> 01:25:03,320
'But I see you're enjoying that room now,
aren't you, Ms Ensler?' No time to answer.

1484
01:25:03,440 --> 01:25:06,720
The next question comes fast
to cover up for what he didn't see coming.

1485
01:25:06,840 --> 01:25:09,520
He implies that I made up
the story of rape

1486
01:25:09,640 --> 01:25:13,040
as payback to Julian
for telling his friends and colleagues

1487
01:25:13,160 --> 01:25:17,320
about me having sex with him
on his sofa at chambers. Slap!

1488
01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:21,200
This is news to me!
This is what Julian was telling people

1489
01:25:21,320 --> 01:25:24,560
while I was talking to Mia
about a potential relationship?

1490
01:25:24,680 --> 01:25:29,440
I fade just a little. I catch my breath.
I find my way.

1491
01:25:29,560 --> 01:25:33,520
My body has been turned inside out
by the evidence I have had to give,

1492
01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:36,840
that this final humiliation,
it is just a small cut.

1493
01:25:36,960 --> 01:25:39,720
'I can honestly tell you, sir,
that I had no idea

1494
01:25:39,840 --> 01:25:41,760
'Julian had spoken to anyone
about me like that.'

1495
01:25:41,880 --> 01:25:43,480
He does an about turn.

1496
01:25:43,600 --> 01:25:46,680
Did I admit that my new room
in my new chambers

1497
01:25:46,800 --> 01:25:49,320
was a strategic move
for me to increase my income?

1498
01:25:49,440 --> 01:25:53,840
I tell him I was offered this new room
with a QC I admire. And he cuts me off.

1499
01:25:53,960 --> 01:25:57,080
Implies I made up a rape story
to discredit Julian

1500
01:25:57,200 --> 01:25:59,000
and be the one offered the new tenancy.

1501
01:25:59,120 --> 01:26:03,240
I interrupt. 'I moved chambers to get away
from Julian, to work without fear.

1502
01:26:03,360 --> 01:26:05,880
'Do not forget
I made my statement to the police

1503
01:26:06,000 --> 01:26:08,840
'on the very night of the sexual assault,
hours after it occurred.'

1504
01:26:08,960 --> 01:26:11,480
'This is not relevant to my question,
Ms Ensler,

1505
01:26:11,600 --> 01:26:13,760
'please refrain from elaboration.'

1506
01:26:13,880 --> 01:26:17,120
Richard is up, 'Let her finish.'
Judge lets me.

1507
01:26:17,240 --> 01:26:21,360
'I don't know any woman who would happily
drink with a man, eat a meal,

1508
01:26:21,480 --> 01:26:25,640
'with all witnesses saying how much we
talked together, laughed and got along...'

1509
01:26:25,760 --> 01:26:28,600
'I submit, Your Honour.'
'Submission sustained.'

1510
01:26:28,720 --> 01:26:30,160
'Would Your Honour
please remind the witness

1511
01:26:30,280 --> 01:26:32,240
'to answer the question
and not make speeches.'

1512
01:26:32,360 --> 01:26:35,000
'If you are implying
that I planned the entire night

1513
01:26:35,120 --> 01:26:37,840
'to stage something like this,
I have no words.

1514
01:26:37,960 --> 01:26:40,880
'The last 782 days of my life

1515
01:26:41,000 --> 01:26:44,160
'have been something I would never
wish upon any human being.'

1516
01:26:44,280 --> 01:26:45,640
'Your Honour!'
'Ms Ensler.'

1517
01:26:45,760 --> 01:26:50,240
'For you to stand there and suggest to me
that I am in any way holding a vendetta

1518
01:26:50,360 --> 01:26:52,680
'against Mr Brookes is
to suggest to me...'

1519
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:55,560
'Your Honour, the witness is not...'
I keep talking.

1520
01:26:55,680 --> 01:27:00,080
'Mr Julian Brookes' QC here
will at some stage tell you the jury

1521
01:27:00,200 --> 01:27:05,080
'what Mr Brookes might have lost,
but I will tell you what I have lost.

1522
01:27:07,200 --> 01:27:09,440
'I have lost my dignity. I...

1523
01:27:09,560 --> 01:27:11,440
'I have lost my sense of self.

1524
01:27:11,560 --> 01:27:16,320
'I have lost my career path,
friends, peace of mind, safety,

1525
01:27:16,440 --> 01:27:20,120
'sense of joy in my sexuality.

1526
01:27:21,120 --> 01:27:24,600
'But most of all, I have lost
my faith in this, the law,

1527
01:27:24,720 --> 01:27:27,120
'the system I believed would protect me.

1528
01:27:27,240 --> 01:27:29,680
'It was the system
I dedicated my life to.'

1529
01:27:29,800 --> 01:27:33,840
Julian's QC is calling out,
asking for an intervention from the judge.

1530
01:27:33,960 --> 01:27:38,520
But after 782 days, all ten tracks
in my brain are lighting up.

1531
01:27:38,640 --> 01:27:40,320
I have found my voice.

1532
01:27:40,440 --> 01:27:43,040
It's different, but it is mine.
I keep speaking.

1533
01:27:43,160 --> 01:27:45,720
I hear 'submission' over and over.

1534
01:27:45,840 --> 01:27:49,440
'Your Honour. Your Honour.' Loud,
outraged, trying to drown out my voice.

1535
01:27:49,560 --> 01:27:51,240
I do not waver.

1536
01:27:51,360 --> 01:27:54,720
The judge asks me to please
just answer the question.

1537
01:27:56,640 --> 01:27:58,520
I'm calm.

1538
01:27:58,640 --> 01:28:01,720
'Your Honour, there are some things
I am going to say.'

1539
01:28:01,840 --> 01:28:03,600
Confident. Like a lawyer.

1540
01:28:03,720 --> 01:28:07,600
Julian's QC is on his feet.
Requesting a 'voir dire'.

1541
01:28:07,720 --> 01:28:11,440
The judge nods.
The jury start to file out.

1542
01:28:11,560 --> 01:28:15,680
A 'voir dire' is a legal term,
where the jury are sent out

1543
01:28:15,800 --> 01:28:18,880
so they don't hear something
that might be prejudicial.

1544
01:28:19,000 --> 01:28:24,160
Strangely, the phrase originates
from 'to speak the truth'.

1545
01:28:25,120 --> 01:28:27,600
The last juror looks at me as he exits.

1546
01:28:27,720 --> 01:28:29,880
The media are poised.
Judge.

1547
01:28:30,000 --> 01:28:35,320
'You have very little scope here,
Ms Ensler. Please be concise.'

1548
01:28:36,440 --> 01:28:38,680
I breathe slowly.

1549
01:28:39,960 --> 01:28:41,640
In.

1550
01:28:44,080 --> 01:28:45,720
Out.

1551
01:28:47,320 --> 01:28:50,480
I find the face
of the young police officer.

1552
01:28:51,680 --> 01:28:54,280
Her hand is over my mum's hand.

1553
01:28:57,080 --> 01:29:02,560
I see all the women who came before me

1554
01:29:02,680 --> 01:29:04,960
and all of those who will come after.

1555
01:29:05,080 --> 01:29:07,320
I see Jenna.

1556
01:29:08,520 --> 01:29:10,520
'I am not getting anything out of this.

1557
01:29:10,640 --> 01:29:13,680
'I am just doing this
to protect other women.'

1558
01:29:14,640 --> 01:29:18,400
I look up at Julian's boys in the gallery.

1559
01:29:19,320 --> 01:29:22,640
'Your Honour,
I am here in a unique position.

1560
01:29:22,760 --> 01:29:25,080
'Usually, I stand at the bar,

1561
01:29:25,200 --> 01:29:29,280
'but now I am in this courtroom
as a witness, a complainant, a victim.

1562
01:29:29,400 --> 01:29:33,200
'As a barrister, I have questioned women
in sexual assault cases

1563
01:29:33,320 --> 01:29:38,280
'on the assumption that evidence can be
delivered in a clean, logical package,

1564
01:29:38,400 --> 01:29:42,840
'and now I have seen from my own
attempts here that it cannot be.

1565
01:29:42,960 --> 01:29:45,680
'In all of my professional life,

1566
01:29:45,800 --> 01:29:49,360
'I have participated in a system
that has done this to women,

1567
01:29:49,480 --> 01:29:51,760
'and now I know it is not right.

1568
01:29:51,880 --> 01:29:55,360
'It is not reasonable, because now I know,

1569
01:29:55,480 --> 01:29:58,640
'from my own life,
both as a woman and a lawyer,

1570
01:29:58,760 --> 01:30:01,160
'that the lived experience
of sexual assault,

1571
01:30:01,280 --> 01:30:05,200
'it is not remembered in a neat,
consistent, scientific parcel.

1572
01:30:05,320 --> 01:30:08,640
'And it's because of that, the law often
finds evidence "unbelievable".

1573
01:30:08,760 --> 01:30:12,320
'So, I understand a witness
can be mistaken in their evidence.

1574
01:30:12,440 --> 01:30:15,680
'I have suggested it time and time again.

1575
01:30:15,800 --> 01:30:19,880
'But this is not a car accident,
or a home invasion.

1576
01:30:20,000 --> 01:30:21,680
'This is rape.

1577
01:30:21,800 --> 01:30:24,800
'It's a crime against the person
and now I know.

1578
01:30:24,920 --> 01:30:28,960
'You know, when a woman says "no",
when her actions say "no",

1579
01:30:29,080 --> 01:30:31,760
'it is not a subtle,
unreadable thing at all.

1580
01:30:31,880 --> 01:30:34,920
'Yet before this, I too,
I would suggest that she was mistaken.

1581
01:30:35,040 --> 01:30:41,800
'But when a woman has been violated,
it is a corrosive wound.

1582
01:30:41,920 --> 01:30:46,720
'It is one that starts with terror
and pain deep into the body.

1583
01:30:46,840 --> 01:30:50,280
'It then overtakes the mind, the soul.

1584
01:30:50,400 --> 01:30:53,640
'Yet before this, I too,
I would suggest that "she was confused".

1585
01:30:53,760 --> 01:30:57,120
'I mean, the message is,
if we do not deliver our evidence neatly

1586
01:30:57,240 --> 01:31:01,320
'in a clear linear story, with consistency
in recall, then we are lying.

1587
01:31:01,440 --> 01:31:05,280
'Yet before this, I would point out
inconsistencies as proof of doubt.

1588
01:31:05,400 --> 01:31:08,560
'I would tell the jury
they couldn't possibly be sure.

1589
01:31:08,680 --> 01:31:10,640
'As a lawyer I know, I know,

1590
01:31:10,760 --> 01:31:15,680
'the law, it cannot jettison consistency
entirely, but in sexual assault cases,

1591
01:31:15,800 --> 01:31:19,320
'can we keep using it
as the litmus test of credibility?

1592
01:31:19,440 --> 01:31:23,720
'Because, as a victim, let me tell you

1593
01:31:23,840 --> 01:31:28,280
'the rape and the perpetrator,
they are vividly recalled.

1594
01:31:28,400 --> 01:31:31,600
'The peripheral details, not so clearly.

1595
01:31:31,720 --> 01:31:35,240
'If a woman is rattled by having to relive
the nightmare in court,

1596
01:31:35,360 --> 01:31:39,480
'if a woman's experience of rape
is not as the court likes it to be,

1597
01:31:39,600 --> 01:31:42,560
'then we conclude
that she is prone to exaggeration

1598
01:31:42,680 --> 01:31:46,120
'and it's because of this
she is so often disbelieved.

1599
01:31:46,240 --> 01:31:49,080
'So here in court, I want to call it out.'

1600
01:31:49,200 --> 01:31:51,520
There is a flurry
from the courtroom gallery.

1601
01:31:51,640 --> 01:31:56,160
'The law of sexual assault,
it spins on the wrong axis.

1602
01:31:56,280 --> 01:31:58,880
'A woman's experience of sexual assault,

1603
01:31:59,000 --> 01:32:02,120
'it does not fit
the male-defined system of truth.

1604
01:32:02,240 --> 01:32:06,800
'So... So it cannot be truth,
and therefore, there cannot be justice.

1605
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:11,800
'The law has been shaped by generations
and generations of men.'

1606
01:32:11,920 --> 01:32:15,800
I can see Julian's QC on his feet,
but I can't hear him any more.

1607
01:32:15,920 --> 01:32:18,160
'There was a time, not so long ago,

1608
01:32:18,280 --> 01:32:24,480
'when courts like this did not see
non-consensual sex in marriage as rape,

1609
01:32:24,600 --> 01:32:27,800
'did not see that battered women,

1610
01:32:27,920 --> 01:32:32,400
'they fight back in a manner distinct
from the way that men fight.

1611
01:32:32,520 --> 01:32:35,880
'Yet once we see,
I mean, we cannot unsee, can we?

1612
01:32:36,000 --> 01:32:39,280
'Now I see from my own experience

1613
01:32:39,400 --> 01:32:42,920
'that we have got it all wrong
when it comes to sexual assault.

1614
01:32:43,040 --> 01:32:45,120
'We don't interrogate
the law's own assumptions,

1615
01:32:45,240 --> 01:32:48,280
'instead we persist
on interrogating the victims.

1616
01:32:49,560 --> 01:32:53,400
'The law is an organic thing.
It is defined by us.

1617
01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:57,880
'It is constructed by us,
in light of our experiences.

1618
01:32:58,000 --> 01:33:01,160
'All of ours,
so there are no excuses any more.

1619
01:33:01,280 --> 01:33:06,960
'It must change because the truth is that
one in three women are sexually assaulted

1620
01:33:07,080 --> 01:33:10,680
'and their voices, they need to be heard,
they need to be believed

1621
01:33:10,800 --> 01:33:12,760
'in order for justice to be done.'

1622
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:16,640
I can see Julian's QC on his feet again.
I hear the judge.

1623
01:33:16,760 --> 01:33:20,160
I have gone beyond
what I am allowed to say, well beyond.

1624
01:33:35,280 --> 01:33:37,480
'One in three women.

1625
01:33:41,880 --> 01:33:43,600
'Look to your left.

1626
01:33:45,280 --> 01:33:47,080
'Look to your right.

1627
01:33:49,680 --> 01:33:51,640
'It's one of us.'

1628
01:33:54,040 --> 01:33:56,600
I feel my cheeks hot, hot.

1629
01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:59,000
Hot. I am done. I'm done.

1630
01:33:59,120 --> 01:34:01,120
I am so done.

1631
01:34:01,240 --> 01:34:03,600
I see my mum. [CHUCKLES FONDLY]

1632
01:34:03,720 --> 01:34:05,560
Richard.

1633
01:34:05,680 --> 01:34:08,640
The QC and Julian.

1634
01:34:10,360 --> 01:34:12,800
I feel a wave of sadness.

1635
01:34:13,720 --> 01:34:16,480
Not despair, just pure sadness.

1636
01:34:17,840 --> 01:34:21,120
I know the jury,
they won't find Julian guilty.

1637
01:34:24,680 --> 01:34:27,160
But a weight has been lifted.

1638
01:34:28,200 --> 01:34:30,760
I see three journalists writing madly,

1639
01:34:30,880 --> 01:34:34,120
courtroom artist staring at me
as he takes notes.

1640
01:34:34,240 --> 01:34:37,800
The judge tells me not to speak
unless I am asked a question.

1641
01:34:37,920 --> 01:34:42,040
He's calling the jury back in.
Voir dire over.

1642
01:34:45,720 --> 01:34:47,840
I hold my head up.

1643
01:34:49,360 --> 01:34:52,360
I see Adam at the back of the courtroom,
he nods.

1644
01:34:53,960 --> 01:34:57,120
I find the open face
of the young police officer.

1645
01:34:58,040 --> 01:35:01,520
This young woman
in a uniform usually worn by men.

1646
01:35:01,640 --> 01:35:04,200
She locks eyes with me...

1647
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:11,160
..and in this brightly lit,
suffocating courtroom,

1648
01:35:11,280 --> 01:35:17,440
standing here in front of everyone,
while my mum clutches her straw bag,

1649
01:35:17,560 --> 01:35:20,000
right here, right now,

1650
01:35:20,120 --> 01:35:23,920
meeting the eyes
of that one young woman...

1651
01:35:26,200 --> 01:35:28,480
..it makes me feel...

1652
01:35:32,040 --> 01:35:34,160
..something good.

1653
01:35:34,280 --> 01:35:36,840
[♪ LOW, SOMBRE TONES]

1654
01:35:44,400 --> 01:35:47,440
I've been a defence barrister long enough.

1655
01:35:48,400 --> 01:35:54,160
You know when the jury comes back quickly
that someone is 'not guilty'.

1656
01:35:56,840 --> 01:35:59,960
The defence team
are shaking Julian's hand.

1657
01:36:00,080 --> 01:36:02,440
Julian is thrilled.

1658
01:36:05,320 --> 01:36:10,960
The roar from his boys in the gallery
is loud and there is clapping.

1659
01:36:13,840 --> 01:36:16,720
Richard is saying something to me but I...

1660
01:36:16,840 --> 01:36:20,320
I can't hear or I... I can't compute.

1661
01:36:21,760 --> 01:36:25,200
The young police officer
has materialised beside me.

1662
01:36:26,120 --> 01:36:28,560
She puts her hand on my shoulder.

1663
01:36:29,480 --> 01:36:32,400
I know I have to stand, but I don't.

1664
01:36:33,960 --> 01:36:38,400
The jury file out –
not one of them can meet my eye.

1665
01:36:39,280 --> 01:36:41,640
All of this and they...

1666
01:36:43,440 --> 01:36:45,320
They didn't believe me.

1667
01:36:45,440 --> 01:36:47,960
The legal system,
it made me look like a liar.

1668
01:36:48,080 --> 01:36:50,440
Julian, he will never have to say sorry,

1669
01:36:50,560 --> 01:36:53,320
never have to admit what he did,
never have...

1670
01:36:55,200 --> 01:36:58,000
The legal system,
it feels faulty and mixed up.

1671
01:36:58,120 --> 01:37:01,520
The legal system, it feels broken.

1672
01:37:05,040 --> 01:37:06,960
Look to your left.

1673
01:37:09,480 --> 01:37:11,480
Look to your right.

1674
01:37:12,800 --> 01:37:14,920
I am broken, too.

1675
01:37:16,400 --> 01:37:19,200
But I am still here.

1676
01:37:19,320 --> 01:37:21,760
And I will not be silenced.

1677
01:37:23,280 --> 01:37:25,120
Richard is beckoning to my mum.

1678
01:37:25,240 --> 01:37:28,480
She gathers her straw bag,
stands, comes over to us.

1679
01:37:28,600 --> 01:37:30,440
[MIMICS] 'Come on, love.'

1680
01:37:32,360 --> 01:37:36,560
I don't know what to cling to,
how to stand,

1681
01:37:36,680 --> 01:37:40,920
how to walk out of this courtroom,
how to leave this building.

1682
01:37:41,040 --> 01:37:44,760
All that I know is that...

1683
01:37:44,880 --> 01:37:47,000
somewhere,

1684
01:37:47,120 --> 01:37:49,640
some time,

1685
01:37:49,760 --> 01:37:51,760
somehow...

1686
01:37:55,240 --> 01:37:58,000
..something has to change.

1687
01:38:26,640 --> 01:38:31,800
♪ No, not me

1688
01:38:34,520 --> 01:38:41,720
♪ I won't rein in

1689
01:38:43,400 --> 01:38:52,040
♪ My need to be

1690
01:38:52,160 --> 01:39:01,080
♪ Completely

1691
01:39:01,200 --> 01:39:26,960
♪ Free ♪

1692
01:39:28,560 --> 01:39:31,440
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)

1693
01:39:36,600 --> 01:39:38,840
(WHISTLES, CHEERS)

1694
01:39:59,280 --> 01:40:01,520
(HUGE CHEER)

1695
01:40:03,920 --> 01:40:07,440
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